A week has passed since the premiere episode of Married At First Sight, and we're settling into the swing of things like what we're seeing isn't even weird anymore.
We had to wait almost a whole week but we finally got to see how Monday's couples handled their first nights together - but it was worth it to see Andrew wearing that hideous outfit.
At first I thought it was just a floating pair of arms and a bald head, but no, if you look really closely you can see one of our grooms under all that camouflage. The hooded sweater vest is such a unique look. I used to have a similar one that I wore with my von Dutch cap. Simpler times.
While Andrew felt like he'd hit the jackpot, Vicky was just feeling great about them being "really good friends".
Yikes.
I'll tell ya who's not in the friendzone and that's our old mates Angel and Brett, in bed all cute, making jokes about snoring and being cuddly.
They were bonding over really rare things like not liking negative people and "moaners". What a rare connection. But I'll let that slide because cute music was playing in the background and we all felt fuzzy.
Tonight's couples were some of our most exciting and hotly anticipated of the season: we had ex-Bachelorette Bel and our only gay couple of the season. There were some high highs and some low lows, so let's crack into it.
Hadyn and Bel
Haydn, a primary school teacher with a penchant for kicking the shit out of people (he's a wrestler, just clarify), said he was entering the show because "he's invested time in the wrong people". That's the dating equivalent of saying "I'm sorry you feel that way", but let's play on. All he was hoping for "was a gorgeous girl who looked vibrant, with a nice smile". Deep.
Luckily he was matched with beautiful Bel, the "elephant in the room" (rude, Pani) as an ex-Bachelor contestant, who's sick of sitting down to her Saturday night glass of wine and dinner alone. Honestly, that sounds bloody idyllic and I don't know why you would want to further complicate a Netflix show selection with a second party, but what do I know?
Bel's bestie Josh was in favour of the crazy move, saying "getting married will be another way for her to find love". I guess that's the point of the show, but it still sounds bloody bizarre.
Again though, when the wedding rolls around, it doesn't seem strange at all. We all had our fingers crossed for the classically good-looking couple, including a couple of familiar faces in the audience. Sorry, congregation.
Haydn was just straight-up bloody stoked as his new beautiful, back-tatted new bride came down the aisle. Bel was nearly passing out, but we got there in the end. There were a few funnies, the standout being Haydn asking if "she's on top, or am I on top?'
At that point I was looking at my phone, and had to do a very hasty rewind, only to be disappointed with the fact they were talking about holding hands. Damn it.
Again I was welling up throughout this ceremony, and when Bel's father started wiping away tears I was basically on the ground. I'm going to be so dehydrated by the end of this series I'm going to need to be hospitalised.
Ben and Aaron
Giving a big old "f**k you" to Australia and all those voting 'no' who don't believe marriage is a basic human right, we were all rooting for Ben and Aaron from the get-go.
Both guys broke the news they were entering this experiment to their attractive and fun-loving friends, while sipping on punch cocktails and bougie coffees and cheeseboards and shit.
I had good vibes about the match from the start, if only due to the thought of the fun entertaining they would both do. This was further hammered in by Ben's lit wedding day brekkie. Look at this spread.
Both of their fears mostly revolved around them worried they were going be more attractive than the other. And that would be...upsetting? Apparently.
To put it in Ben's words: "If I was walking down the aisle and I saw myself wearing this, I would be pretty stoked." Let that sentence sink in and try to picture of the logistics of it.
However when the day came around, it seemed like it was going to be all okay. The setting was beautiful. The sun was shining. As they walked down adjoining aisles, Aaron was stoked!
Ben... said he wanted to run.
Oh.
A frantic private interview in which he asked "what am I doing?" and saying he would rather eat dirt than kiss his new husband (heavily paraphrased) really highlighted that this was a big old disaster.
Luckily Ben made it through the ceremony without making his apparent disgust obvious... or he would have done, if Aaron was lying on the ground under Ben's feet where he was looking the whole time.
You may laugh, but I'm laying on the ground right now a break from the torture. Things are less mortifying down here.
Multiple wines at the reception didn't seem to help. Ben looked like he was in physical pain the whole time.
But hey, we don't know these people well! Maybe he was coming round, maybe he was just feeling overwhelmed with emotion.
"Yeah seriously I'm going to f**king kill myself."
Ah.
It all came to a head when Aaron's incredibly woke dad made an absolutely beautiful speech, describing how he and his lovely wife had come round to making peace with Aaron's choice.
Ben, running off for a sob over his family not being there, slightly put a spanner in proceedings, until Aaron and his parents all came out to comfort him.
I would like to pay some seriously good money to have Aaron's mum around to give me life advice whenever I'm teary and emotional (approx. four times a day). As she said: "The fear they have is of the unknown."
ARE YOU LISTENING, STRAYA??
But there was no more time for counselling, as the couples had to head off to their honeymoon suites for the evening.
While I've been the most voyeuristic of the voyeurs this season, tonight felt different.
Watching Bel in her wee black nightie and Hadyn, for all we know, naked, it suddenly felt a lot more intrusive than some of the others, even more so than Dom and Claire having that full-blown pash.
The lights went off with the camera crew still in the room so that was... weird. Fair play to Beauty and the Beast-mode, they were cuddly and cute, but guys please keep it PG.
It was better than Aaron and Ben though, off to their clifftop honeymoon house of horrors. Having someone reply "go for it" when you cheers to your future together must be a treat and a half.
Then Ben, who was basically shitfaced, decided to sleep in a separate room. Things are going well!
It's the honeymoons that are going to be the clincher guys. Let's wait and see.
Married At First Sight airs Sundays and Mondays at 7:30pm on Three. Watch the full episode again on ThreeNow.
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