Tonight on Married At First Sight we got to see the second set of honeymoons, which featured a lot less obvious sex and a lot less breaking up than the week before. That's not to say there weren't highs and lows though, with enough tears from Vicky to fill one of the baths they were all forced to take. But let's crack into it.
Ben and Aaron
We began tonight's honeymoons with a beautiful shot of Ben running what appeared to be about 10 metres down the beach, before giving up and coming on back. What a metaphor for life.
Unfortunately things between him and new husband Aaron hadn't improved much since that shitshow of a wedding. Even the excitement of a picnic basket on their doorstep couldn't fix things. While Aaron was pumped to make mimosas and enjoy a killer-looking sandwich, Ben looked like a prisoner on death row about to eat his last meal.
The two went off to enjoy separate baths and talk about their on-going issues. I couldn't help but feel like these baths resembled giant stone coffins, reflective of Ben's dead eyes when he looked at his new husband. There was a lot of Ben making Aaron talk about why Aaron found him attractive, and reassuring Ben that he was his type. In return, Ben maintained that he had no idea why the experts matched them together. So that was nice.
It was okay though because Aaron rewarded his horrendous behaviour with a day trip out east. So that's great.
The newlyweds got to talk and talk and TALK through some of their dirty laundry, including that Aaron had in fact cheated on someone in the past, a real red flag to burned-before Ben.
Ben said he thought cheating on someone is the worst thing you could do to another person, which I guess really takes the heat off murderers and rapists around the world.
He definitely wasn't banking that up as an excuse to run though. God no.
In a third location change, the pair headed to a new honeymoon spot: glamping on a hill overlooking the ocean. Aaron raved about how nice the spot and the sun and the wine were. Ben said he didn't really like camping. Cool. He also talked some more about how he wasn't attracted to Aaron physically.
I really think he gets it now Ben. But maybe you should wear a t-shirt saying "I don't want to have sex with this guy" with a giant arrow just in case he needed a bit more of a reminder.
As the sun set on their honeymoon, Aaron took another solo bath, presumably to wash away the insults and clear disgust he had been bathing in for the last two days.
Fun!
Brett and Angel
Just when you think it's all dark clouds and resting bitchy face, in comes everyone's favourite cute-as-shit duo to save the day.
The loved-up lovebirds got to honeymoon in Australia at the very place McLeod's Daughters was filmed, which seemed to excite Brett in particular.
Watching Brett and Angel lie on the bed and say nice things to each other felt like real balm to the soul.
Oh, until Angel called Brett the wrong name. That was awks.
It's not a reflection of how she feels though, as Angel says she thinks Brett is so great, that she wants to... cut him open? Maybe I got confused there. It seemed like a weird way of going about things.
Again, the newlyweds were sent off into the bush to take a bath together. I don't know when taking baths became the new zorbing, but it seems to be a regular hobby for all these honeymooners. This particular one was so intimate it would have left Ben in a steaming fury, but instead it was happy days for everyone's favourite hipster log cutter and Sandy from Grease.
Basically Brett and Angel's honeymoon was them drinking a lot of wine and eating unlimited carbohydrates: the makings of a fantastic time away. It made me consider going on the show, just for this sweet holiday.
That's not to say there weren't flaws though. Absolutely not.
Angel thought Brett's biggest flaw was that he was a bit too nice, which if going by job interviews is supposedly everyone's biggest flaw but in reality, doesn't happen much.
Brett thought Angel was pretty low maintenance, to which Angel manically laughed the laugh of a girl who has managed to con a guy into the impression we all give in those sweet early days. How we all laughed along at home ladies. How we laughed.
Their relationship was summed up by Brett shyly saying: "When I first saw her, I thought she was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen. It was love at first sight."
Yeah well, my dentist told me last week it was really impressive that I was 23 and had never had a filling. So we all get f**king compliments, Brett.
Vicky and Andrew
Dressed in his finest camouflage, Andrew and his new wife Vicky honeymooned much closer to home - on Waiheke Island.
The pair shared a blanket and sipped some vino. Andrew said a lot of really nice things. Vicky spoke without really opening her mouth a lot, so that was pretty impressive. One of her softly spoken admissions was that she felt like she was in a relationship with herself, which hey, it works for some people. Like this chick.
Luckily Andrew was there to stare into her eyes and offer words of comfort.
Things picked up when Vicky convinced Andrew to chop off his hair, because she likes "groomed guys who take care of themselves". The excitement she showed at playing makeovers with her new husband, teamed with the eerie plucked violin strings playing in the background, made me really feel like we might see Andrew stuffed and placed in the middle of a set of toys on Vicky's Disney-themed bed in future episodes.
One of the only couples not forced to bathe together, they got to go out and do some fun ziplining. Andrew raved about how cool Vicks was and that his only fear was that he might get friendzoned, which I don't think is going to be a problem.
Except when Vicky was all "I can't figure out if it's a romantic connection or a friend connection".
Oh.
Her fears over the lack of intimacy all came out on a beach walk later, where Aaron switched out from camouflage to dress like a thug in a fifth form production of Rent.
As Dr Pani says, "The definition of intimacy is to 'see into me'" - which seemed a bit graphic, but also accurate.
Hopefully these two can get over their hurdles in future episodes. I don't want to see any more 'sooky la la's from Vicky, although secretly I do so I can keep using that phrase, which is now my most favourite thing of all time and I've already used six times today in casual conversation.
The guy at the dairy was very confused.
Married At First Sight airs Sundays and Mondays at 7:30pm on Three. Watch the full episode again on ThreeNow.
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