News Heroes and Villains: Idiots and Animals

Sergway idiot.
Sergway idiot.
Our news heroes and villains on a week where a segway went in search of a pair of calves, and the Whanganui police went in search of a renegade cow.

Accidents happen. You shoot the wrong blue, green and red bird. You forget to report a serious assault or two. You put Worm Farmer Robbie Dick in the high risk category. It’s regrettable, but it’s understandable.

That said, screw Segway Cameraman and Painting Kid. They earned this. The dunderheaded duo blundered their way to infamy with acts of idiocy that would make even the most hard-bitten Deerstalkers Association member weep.

Painting Kid had a moment to decide between saving his drink and smashing his ham hands through a priceless painting. He chose his drink.

I hope you enjoyed the sound of Michaelangelo wailing in hell as you slurped that back, buddy.

Segway Cameraman is somehow worse, mindlessly smashing his war crime of a vehicle into the world’s most valuable calves. There’s still hope for Painting Kid. He might pay off the excess someday. But Segway Cameraman is an adult man with a job driving a Segway. He is the villain.

Maybe Big Wombat is so big because his body is inflated with pent up love.

It seems ludicrous, but the world’s hugest captive wombat has reached 30 years old and has never been kissed.

Thankfully Our Lady Internet is here to help. Big Wombat is on Tinder, swiping right on every other wombat in the state of Victoria, his eyes going red from lack of sleep, calluses appearing on his wombat thumbs.

I love you Big Wombat. It’s a pity no other wombats do.

Whanganui Cow will never swipe right again. She was gunned down in the street while making a dash for freedom.

You may be gone from this Earth, but not from our hearts, Whanganui Cow. In you, we see our dreams of ditching our desk-bound deadbeat jobs and striking out in search of greener pastures. And in you, we see that those dreams eventually end with us staring dull-eyed into a computer screen, trying to remember what it was like to feel.

Goodbye Whanganui Cow. We will meet again.

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