Finally! A Comprehensive Guide to Surviving Food

A woman contemplates whether her food choice will give her cancer.
A woman contemplates whether her food choice will give her cancer.

Eating in the modern age is like walking through a minefield where the mines are filled with cancer. One day you’re licking a tub of margarine thinking you’re warding off death, and the next your face is a phalanx of margarine-flavoured tumours. It’s hard to know where to turn in a world where every lunch may melt your kidneys.

Thankfully, the Herald and Stuff are here for you. Our two most popular news sites are awash with stories on what to eat, when to eat it and what to do if you don’t want your food to turn into acid immediately after hitting your esophagus. They go up, without fail, every day. The only problem is that they’re sprinkled between stories on lesser topics like politics, crime and the TPPA.

These nuggets of advice need to be synthesised in order to give readers a comprehensive guide to surviving their meal times. That’s what we’re here for. Newsworthy has scanned every Herald and Stuff story to compile a comprehensive guide to eating well, and living the life you deserve.

Red wine is an alcoholic juice that grants eternal life. It wards off colds and diabetes with ease, and reinforces your kidneys with solid health steel. Grapes used to produce red wine contain a substance called reservatrol, which prevents heart disease and other illnesses.  

But remember, red wine will destroy you. It floods your innards with fat, and replaces your teeth with a neverending sea of terrible acid. Grapes used to produce red wine contain a substance called reservatrol, which has no verifiable health benefits.

First off, diets don’t work.

However, there may be one diet that does work

Here are a great many tips on how to diet

Diets don’t work

Fat is more of a concept than a physical thing. It can be good or bad, depending on what word you put in front of the word ‘fat’. Saturated fat, which comes from animals, isn’t healthy. However, it’s important that you don’t buy into the myth that saturated fat isn’t healthy.

The main thing to remember about exercise is that it’s making you fat.

Carbs have got a bad rep lately, but there’s no need to be carbo-phobic. They may be like drugs, and make you depressed, but we need to consign low-carb diets to the past, and stop pretending bacon and egg yolks are health foods. After all, studies have shown that carbs are worse than, or better than, saturated fats, which are healthy, and aren’t healthy. 

A high protein diet is nearly as bad as smoking, but it can protect you against strokes, which are often caused by smoking.

If you want to combat fat, eat spicy food, but take care because spicy food doesn’t necessarily help weight loss.

From dust you came, and to dust you shall return.

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