By Dan Satherley and
Ally Mullord
We New Zealanders think we're a pretty sensible bunch, but we'd be wrong. If you disagree, you'd best keep reading. Here's our list of 2012's oddest stories out of the top, middle and bottom of Middle-earth.
Good-looking old-timey Kiwi crim goes viral
Daniel Tohill was a small-time ferret thief (yes, it's a thing) who hit the big-time more than a century later when his rather flattering mugshot was uploaded to the internet. After years of making do with Mark Sainsbury, Kiwi women finally had a moustache worth fantasising over. The Open Polytechnic is rumoured to be offering a part-time course in ferret thievery as part of its 2013 curriculum.
Timaru's problem pong to be tracked
Timaru stinks. Don’t believe me? Well,
Environment Canterbury says Timaru has a “nuisance odour”,
and everyone knows scientists
are never wrong.
Sex audio airs during kids’ show on RDU
In October a student radio station in Christchurch broadcast five minutes of “sexually explicit audio” during a kid’s show. Won't somebody please think of the children!? Preferably whilst not listening to sexually explicit audio.
Brian Tamaki is God? Yeah, right
Two people complained about a Tui billboard that mocked Destiny Church despot Brian Tamaki, reading: "Our father in Heaven, Tamaki be your name," followed by the trademark Tui "Yeah, right" slogan. One complainant said it was defamatory, while another was offended that it implied Tamaki was God. The Advertising Standards Authority said as most people would "recognise the intended humour", the complaint had no grounds to proceed. They then giggled and returned to reviewing lingerie ads.
Man dressed as Tetris box wanted for assault
Twenty bucks says he was dressed as the one shaped like digital lightning bolt. You know, this one:
Police suspect he acted out violently after years of not fitting in.
Parisian packages perplex police
Back in May, residents in Greymouth and Hokitika began receiving unsolicited mail from Paris - hairdryers, clippers, cash and a message thanking them for being a “friend”. Just why was a mystery, unlike the last time the French delivered us an unsolicited message. Admittedly the French could've been slightly more diplomatic, but something had to be done about the toenails and mullets.
Pitbulls attack police after poo fight
Jayden Lombardi and his girlfriend, the double-double-barrelled named Charlie-Joy Beattie-Creed, were fighting over who should pick up excrement left on the kitchen floor by their pitbull, Killer. I guess Charlie-Joy won, since Jayden was the one who picked it up - but then chased her through the house with it. She managed to lock him out and call the police, who arrived to find Lombardi inside and asleep. He woke up and set his dogs on the police, but Killer jumped through a window and ran away, thus settling once and for all who really had the most ridiculous name in the house.
Two-decade fight to get job back fails
Frank Fifield lost his job at the Rotorua District so long ago that in dismissing his latest claim he was unfairly dismissed, the Employment Relations Authority couldn’t even accurately state what decade it happened in.
Parking signs bend and break under strippers' weight
It’s often claimed the council doesn’t care when residents complain of brothels and street prostitution attracting crime and drug use into a community. But the minute their dancing breaks council-owned sign poles...
Marmite crisis: black gold hits the black market
Kiwis have gone a long time without essentials such as decent broadband, functioning public transport and a national cricket team (BlackCaps? What is this BlackCaps you speak of?). But nothing could prepare the nation for ‘Marmageddon’.
First reported in March, the Marmite shortage
was initially reported to be only a short-term thing, with
the sticky, black sandwich spread expected
to be back on the shelves in July. In May, a supermarket found a
spare 800 jars, but instead of cashing in and retiring to a Caribbean
island, the owners donated
it all to charity. In August, an attempt to smuggle in 2000 jars of
the British stuff was foiled
by Customs.
There was outrage when it was discovered scientists were wasting Marmite on fish, and further disgust when some fans turned to the dark side, and switched to Vegemite.
Then in September, came the the real bad news - Marmageddon
would be spreading well into 2013, completely bypassing the December
21 apocalypse.
I bet the Mayans never saw that coming.
3 News
source: newshub archive
