Phil Rudd is quite clearly crushed about his exclusion from the current AC/DC Rock or Bust world tour.
Standing next to him at his home in Tauranga, he's flicking through the album's CD booklet. His name as drummer appears in the credits but his photo is nowhere to be found. His hard-man persona dissolves – he's visibly upset.
He recorded Rock or Bust, the band's 16th studio LP, in Vancouver last year. But his band mates have stated that during this time he was unreliable. He arrived late, and after recording his drum sets he didn't show up at all to some of the promotional photo shoots.
Rudd now knows he let them down and blames his absence on a "personal crisis" he was dealing with at the time.
Rudd is a by his own admission a complex individual. His struggles with drugs and alcohol have been well documented. He also battles anxiety and depression. He is, however, trying to deal with his problems.
"I'm getting help from Dr Bird, the country's most prominent psychiatrist. I was born with an imbalance, you know. I suffer anxiety and a lot of insecurities, depression and stuff. Old JK, John Kirwan, dealt with the same thing. He did very well," he told me.
Rudd reckons he can do well too and I believe him. The reason I believe him is because of what he's achieved in his career to date. Touring with AC/DC for four decades is no small feat. It requires physical endurance and strength of mind.
"Doing an AC/DC gig, it's not as easy as running a marathon bro'. I tell you, it's not an easy gig physically or mentally. You got to have some game, and if you've got no physical strength, you've still got to do it," he told me.
The 61-year-old accepts he's made mistakes and bad decisions, including getting out of control after a party marking the release of his new solo album, Head Job. This is what led to him being convicted of threatening to kill an associate. He blamed him for the party not running smoothly.
He's since been through a restorative justice process with the man he threatened. This involved what I've been told was an emotional meeting between the pair, who have been long-time friends.
At the court the Judge told Rudd he's done all he can to put it right, and that he'd "effectively been forgiven". This certainly helped keep Rudd out of jail.
He now needs to get through his stint on home detention and stay off the booze and drugs.
"I've got a lot to think about now. I've grown up, but not grown old. I hope there's a difference.
"I still want to play the drums. I've got a lot of game left and I reckon I'm just starting to get cleared up. So I just want a chance to get back in with the boys and just carry on from there. This last tour bulls**t, you know, sure. Last tour, AC/DC will never retire, Angus will never retire."
When he talks about Angus, he is of course talking about Angus Young, one of the band's co-founders and the man who will ultimately decide if Rudd gets another crack on the drums.
I believe Rudd can get through this dark period and come out the other side. His millions of fans do too.
"We are loyal to the man who let AC/DC be the best band in the world. And we will always be. No matter what happens", reads one message on one of the many Rudd Facebook fan pages.
But he'll need to convince his band he's up to the job too. Only then will he get another chance to take the stage.
