Warning: This review contains strong language and may offend some people.
New Zealand has once again proved itself to have the smallest dating pool in the entire world on tonight's Bachelor.
Could there be anything more classically Kiwi than two people on the show having previously dated? In a country where there are only two degrees of separation, shocking news emerged about one of the intruders and the Bachelor host.
After a couple of fairly ho-hum dates tonight, including more Hunger Games training with white river rafting and food harvesting, it became apparent the major drama was being saved.
Intruder Karina and Dom Bowden have a past (WHAT?) and briefly, used to date (NO!). It's unlikely this was ever an issue they had when Mike Puru was hosting, but you never know.
We were treated to the hallmark of a reality television show: the contestants forgetting they're mic'd up, leading to subtitled whispered conversations and exterior shots of houses.
A girl, who sounded an awful lot like Rosie, asked: "Girls, what the f*** is going on? ... The whole thing is f***ed and I'm f***ed off."
"Oh my god, what has one of the contestants done?", we all wondered! She must have at least killed somebody with that kind of talk. Is she some sort of sexual predator that the girls are afraid to be alone with? SOMEONE GET THEM OUT OF THERE!
And then it all emerged - Rosie was incensed by Karina and Dom's history.
"She's such a f**king sl** honestly, she's not coming in here and doing this," she could be heard saying.
'Doing this' apparently refers to 'being a part of a reality television show when you dated people beforehand'.
This minor indiscretion is apparently enough to be labelled a "f***ing sl**" and get you pulled aside by two self-serving pretentious women, when you're just trying to chill out and read on an uncomfortable wooden bench.
If there's one thing that is needed in a house where a group of women are all competing for the attention of one man, it's one of these women attacking another for having a dating life before the show. That's strike one for feminism, Rosie - week after week you're truly proving yourself to be a bit of a dick.
Karina was forced, by the threat of her smugly smiling housemates, to tell Zac about the history between her and the host (before he was the host).
Except it sort of fizzled out. Dom, who was notably absent from the whole situation, leaving Karina to deal with it all on her own, had already revealed the past relationship to Zac privately. Bro chat. Probably over a bev, because WOMEN, amirite lads?
The fact Zac understood Karina was a human being before she entered the show apparently came as a massive shock to 'pure-as-a-white' Rosie, who whined, "I can't believe she got a rose, and she got a kiss. I'm just shocked Zac is fine about the situation."
WOW ROSIE. IT'S ALMOST LIKE HE DIDN'T EXPECT HER TO REMAIN UNTOUCHED BY HUMAN HAND.
My disappointment in humanity was furthered by Miss Molly going home. Molly was a real jokester who seems like everyone's dream kindergarten teacher. Can you have a babysitter at 23? Because if so, I would like Molly to come read to me please.
Please Bachelor family: restore my faith in humanity next week.
NB. There's a possibility I'm just feeling grumpy from low blood sugar after three days of eating chocolate in my porridge for breakfast. (Seriously, I need a babysitter. Molly, if you're free, hit me up).