Last night's episode of The Bachelor NZ had so many emotional clichés it could have been written by a Care Bear. But we did learn a few things.
Firstly, Kiwis are as emotionally articulate as Hulk Hogan. Secondly, even though each bachelorette promised their parents would 'grill' Zac, it was more like a 10 second microwaving.
I'm sure we all sat there thinking, "If my parents were here then they would be much, much tougher." And OK, some were better than others - largely those connected to Lily (surprise surprise).
So I've rated all of the friends and family on their straight-talking abilities; from those with guts right down to those who are as tough as lavender moisturiser.
TOP THREE TOUGHEST
1. Lily's Mum, Belinda
Step forward Belinda - this episode's overall champion. She emerged as Queen of the Bachelorette Loved Ones, admittedly stepping over what was a very low bar. She firstly pointed out the damn obvious - that Lily must have thought 'what if I fall in love with Zac and he doesn't choose me.' And then she both asked Zac if he'd thought of this, and if he'd asked the girls about it. Zac responded by stammering... "uh um dunno, no." Well. Quite. Thank God for sabre-toothed mums, because someone had to bring some emotional balls to the show.
2. Viarni's Dad, Glenn
He has mastered neither shaving nor hair cutting, but he has mastered honesty. This man has a talent for straight-talking that's probably incredibly awkward in real life, but wow is it satisfying on TV. This ageing Keith Urban lookalike jumped in by asking, "Why haven't you found love yet Zac?" He might as well have asked "Are you someone who just shags around?" He followed by asking if he loved Viarni and, finally, if she's his number one. Boom. This man lacks social niceties but we can excuse that because he's asking the important questions - questions that looked like they were again well above Zac's emotional pay grade.
3. Lily's bestie, Abbie
Someone had to ask, is it weird dating three girls at once? It's only like, ya know, the biggest elephant in the studio.Thank God someone did, and that someone was the giggly, lustful Abbie. She not only admitted she wanted to see Zac's naked body (something NONE of the evicted bachelorettes have admitted to) but also that the whole polyamory thing is weird. She won more points for her red blooded attitude in what can be a fairly sexless show, but she also has a knack for asking tough questions in a socially acceptable way.
I'm not going to list them all because this episode was littered with emotionally constipated people. A few stand-out moments of idiocy were Viarni's hot brother saying, "Do you like her?"
You had one question dude. One question. And that was it?!
Of course Zac likes her. Otherwise she would have been left in a Tuk Tuk in Thailand. Ask him something like, "Are you feeling guilty that you have lead three women into love and two into heartbreak?"
This was only matched by the utterly bizarre comment made by Viarni's mum that it must be hard on Zac to date so many women. Well, true. But I think it might be slightly harder on her daughter?!
The ridiculousness of the whole situation was only topped off by Zac's insightful observation that it is difficult, because, "people are getting invested."
No way, dude! Why didn't someone tell you that was the whole point of the show - oh, wait...
You can watch the episode again on ThreeNow ahead of the season finale this Sunday.