Married At First Sight NZ episode 13 recap: Crawling to the finish line

The penultimate episode, guys! We're almost there! Nobody is more excited about this than my colleagues who have had to put up with me swanning in hung-over on a Sunday evening and to watch reality television.

On Sunday's episode the couples got to pop off on some cute dates, in a wild attempt to convince each other they liked each other before a week apart.

Ben and Aaron were off to Waiheke Island, to partake in Ben's favourite hobby - wine. While the boys have faced some serious ups and downs though the series, now they seem to be on similar pages. Oh wait no, in similar pants. That's what I meant. 

Why would you suffer through extreme sports when you could do this instead?
Why would you suffer through extreme sports when you could do this instead? Photo credit: MediaWorks

In comparison, Vicky and Andrew were off to go white water rafting, which was all worth it just to hear voiceover queen Trudi Nelson turn "wet and wild' in a nine-syllable sentence. Does MediaWorks have some sort of contract with the Vector Wero Whitewater Park? It was the location for the first challenge for this year's Block contestants, as they viciously competed to take out the prize of house selection, and now apparently the scene of a chance to romantically connect and resolve issues.

I'm dreading the moment the company wide e-vite comes announcing our Christmas party is there.

Andrew had some really eloquent ways of describing like the experience, like "ARGGGHH" and "HAHAHAHA". Maybe he was enjoying it. Maybe he was having a stroke. It's difficult to tell.

Cute! Photo credit: MediaWorks

I'll tell ya what he did enjoy, seeing his wife get smashed in the face with the waves.  "SEEING HER GET PUMMLED WAS GREAT" he yelled at the camera, followed by another cute "HAHAHAHAHA". He is just such a bloody jokester, I'll tell you what.

In the much calmer setting of Waiheke, Ben imparted some gems from his eyebrow lady. From what seems to be a pretty deep conversation about arranged marriage, she told him attraction grows over time, to let it play out and see how love grows. The only thing my eyebrow lady does is ask me if I want the upper lip done, and then I cry a bit. So that's nice.

Out of the water, Andrew and Vicky toasted their last night together, as Andrew did a really bad job of being subtle about how much he wanted to get it in.

"Let's just cut loose, let off some steam," he said, obviously thinking Vicky wasn't a woman in her early 20s who hadn't heard that 1000 times.

"I'M NOT GOING TO TRY AND PRETEND I'M PERFECT; I'M FRICKING NOT," he calmly explained. "WE GET ALONG LIKE FRICKING PEAS AND CARROTS. WE SHOULD FALL IN LOVE." He then ran face-first into a brick wall and crushed a beer can on his forehead. (That last bit might not be true.)

The week apart was a bit much for our wonder couple Brett and Angel, who were pretty upset at the thought of not seeing each other for seven days. 168 hours. 10,080 minutes.

While Brett and the Canterbury boys gathered to talk it over with a couple of beers in Lincoln's finest open-air bar, Angel sat on the couch refreshing her Instagram feed around 657 times an hour just to see if he'd uploaded a story or something.

Accurate depiction of every girl checking up on her man ever.
Accurate depiction of every girl checking up on her man ever. Photo credit: MediaWorks

She's fine. She's not even that bothered. She hadn't heard from him that day, but it's all good. She's totally FINE. But his Snapchat score had gone up and he hadn't snapped her, SO WHO THE ACTUAL F**K WAS HE SNAPPING THOUGH?

"Hahahahahahaa," was her reaction to that.

Also anxious was Andrew, who seemed to get through the week by putting photos of Vicky and him in weirdly inappropriate locations around the house.

One is for him to look at while he's lying on the floor in the bottom left-hand corner of an otherwise empty room, apparently. He was distracted though by writing his "VOWES" in his diary. Wednesday, January 11, 9am was a particular highlight.

We finally got to the big day, again.

Ben and Aaron

To absolutely nobody's surprise, it was the end of the road for Ben and Aaron on Sunday. Although Ben managed to look Aaron in the face, which was a huge improvement, it was time for "" himself to back on out. The producers really outdid themselves with that perfectly timed rain. Really impressive.

Andrew and Vicky

Andrew texted Vicky that morning to say "he wasn't sure about this". Vicky found that pretty upsetting, but let's be honest, Vick, as we've found out this week there's a whole lot more he could have said in that message. As Andrew smashed through his vows like someone ticking off his shopping list, you could see the moment Vicky was massively confused as their agreement to call it quits was turned on its head.

"S**t," you could see her thinking, "now I'm going to be the bloody villain." Ah well Andrew, off to Tinder I guess.

Brett and Angel

You probably don't even need to read this, but yeah they're totally fine. He said he's still in, she said the same. The producers all breathed sighs of relief and started to tee up first baby announcements with women's magazines.

Nobody saw this coming!
Nobody saw this coming! Photo credit: MediaWorks