Married At First Sight NZ finale recap: a particularly delicious kind of awkward

The end has finally come. 

This is it. 

Finally, finally we can all talk about something different at work, instead of Ben's eye rolls, and my dad can stop pretending like he reads these. 

The last episode of Married At First Sight NZ opened with that slow drone pan of Mt Eden, we've all come to know and love. 

It was really the one thing you could depend on throughout the series. 

The couples all turned up to the final reunion in separate cars, which I thought wasn't very eco-friendly at all. If you're going to be mean to each other, guys, at least be kind to the environment. 

Come on, it's where Brett and Angel's kids are going to live after all. 

Luke and Lacey

We got to see old mates Luke and Lacey back on our screens! After several weeks without them, it was like welcoming back old, really bitter and angry friends into our lives. 

Just looking at the the pair of them - one in a checked Kmart shirt and a beanie, the other in a bold lip and a ball gown - it's hard to figure out why these two didn't work out. They're just so bloody similar! 

With these two, we were first introduced to the highlight reel. 

I'll tell you what, there is nothing quite like looking at the best parts of a couple's relationship, while watching them watch themselves, without being able to even look at each other.

It's a particular type of delicious awkwardness, the kind that makes your chest tight, and you want to put your hands on your face and scream silently.  

The pair were forced to talk about the things they liked about each other. Luke said he really liked Lacey and that the honeymoon was some of the best times of his life. 

Lacey said she really enjoyed the activities they did. Great promotion for Rotorua bungee swing, less so for Luke, I guess. 

When Pani dropped the Bravo bombshell, shit got really real. 

It actually made me push myself away from my desk and say "OHHH SHITTTT", which had the desired effect of having everyone run to my computer to see what was happening, so thanks for letting me be the centre of attention, guys. 

But seriously, am I the only person that wants to grab these people by the shoulders? YOU ARE ADULTS, ACT LIKE ADULTS. 

Luke and Lacey on the couch.
Luke and Lacey on the couch. Photo credit: MediaWorks

Claire and Dom 

We all had to sit through that f**king kiss again, which made Claire recoil and pretend to vomit, so I guess that means she won't be repeating it again in the future. 

Watching their highlight reel, set to a grandiose Stars Wars-esque soundtrack, we knew we were painfully edging towards that text. 

Aaron was all of us, as he shook his head in disappointment. Come on, Dom, you've gone and disappointed the nicest guy in New Zealand. 

Claire cracked a couple of funny gags about how her near-death illness was "the easy part", compared to her marriage, so that was nice. 

But then she also said that when they had sex, she "had to try everything"... so that was TMI. This was one hard watch. 

I need a drink. 

At least Ben giving snaps in the back instead of applause was there to cheer me up. 

Claire and Dom on the couch.
Claire and Dom on the couch. Photo credit: MediaWorks

Bel and Hadyn (kind of)

Everyone got a bit motion sick, sitting through Bel and Hadyn's on-and-off again, and then on-again and then off-again relationship. This was where it really stopped being entertaining. 

As Bel recounted how she had tried and tried, and couldn't meet the expectations of her new husband, tears falling down her face, it was just really, really sad. 

And not just because she was wrecking a really great smokey eye and perfect contour. The emotional toll that has been taken on all these people - they're all bloody wrecked. 

It's like the world-worst hangover.

Then Pani and Tony dialled in Hadyn from overseas, his Skype picture showing him wearing reindeer ears and flanked by two children, approximately the girth of his arms, so we know he's a NICE GUY. 

"Dealing with other factors and influences, and other people trying to influence our relationship made things 10 times more stressful," he remembered, really cutely blaming everything on everyone else. 


But fans of the Genetic Pitull, do not fear - he's going to get back into normal life now. You can rock out to a school hall to see him wrestle soon, I promise.  

Also, how much does Pani hate the 'Pretty Committee', lol.  

Bel on the couch.
Bel on the couch. Photo credit: MediaWorks

Vicky and Andrew 

Okay, Andrew has really come off as being not a very nice human in the past couple of weeks, but it was still uncomfortable as hell, watching him being slammed in front of all Vicky's friends, over and over. 

"We're definitely going to renew our vows, don't worry about that," old-and-naïve Andrew confidently told the camera, as small-box, present-day Andrew silently screamed behind the smile. 


Vicky tried to explain her lack of attraction: "You want affection from someone you're in love with, not someone you've just met." 

I think many single 20-somethings in Revelry on a Saturday night would probably disagree with you, but hey, each to their own!

When Pani asked about the elephant in the room, I genuinely 100 percent thought she meant the Tinder messages. The very loud gasp I let out that gave my colleagues a bloody big fright will attest to that. 

But it was about those bloody texts to Hadyn. HA! Like anyone cares about that any more!? 

That's no longer the elephant in the room. 

Andrew and Vicky on the couch.
Andrew and Vicky on the couch. Photo credit: MediaWorks

Ben and Aaron

Ah, the country's favourite - this was never going to be good.

"Why do they have to keep showing this?" Aaron said, head in his hands, as he was confronted with an image of his wedding night self, trying to kiss his new husband. 

I don't know sweetie, I really don't. 

It was great to remember the fun times along the way, like when they had that awkward shitfaced pash on the night of the wedding, and Ben telling Aaron it would d be a good idea for him to do his post-grad year overseas, despite having every intention of dumping him. 

"I've always been like that as a person - straight, straight, straight," Ben maintained, which really doesn't match up with some screenshots I have from my mate's Grindr account, but who am I to place labels? 

Aaron further secured himself as the sweetheart of the nation, with a heartfelt speech about stuggling through the perils of marriage. They maintained they'd remain friends and were set free, as we all held each other and reassured ourselves that the suffering was almost done. 

Ben and Aaron on the couch.
Ben and Aaron on the couch. Photo credit: MediaWorks

Brett and Angel

You could see the producers really give it the best their shot to pretend like something dramatic was coming up with the perfect couple of the series. 

"Coming up, the truth about Brett and Angel" voiceover queen Trudi Nelson informed the nation, like she was going to reveal that Brett was a Russian spy or something., 

Apparently, the truth is just that Angel can really pull off a red shoe, because everything else was basically as expected. Shedding tears, they talked about how happy they were and how much they were in love etc etc etc. 

Their biggest qualm was that when they're angry, they're a bit grumpy. You could see Lacey about to run over there and strangle them both. 

The experts pushed Brett and Angel to keep raving a bout each other, as all the other women were forced to fix fake smiles to their faces and pretend like they're happy for them. 

Like when a friend tells you she's lost weight and you're having a fat day. 

Brett and Angel on the couch.
Brett and Angel on the couch. Photo credit: MediaWorks

Finally, FINALLY it was over. Everyone hugged and kissed, and spread around the love they'd been withholding from each other since like episode 3. 

Then they all went and got shitfaced, and hooked up with each other's ex-partners (I assume).

Thanks for sticking out the season, readers. 

Go treat yourself to a massage or something. You've bloody earned it. 


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