Married At First Sight NZ 2018 episode 12 recap: Another two bite the dust

When we last left Married At First Sight NZ, we were two couples down, with three more looking like they were timed to self-destruct.

With another commitment date, the vow renewal ceremonies and a dramatic reunion party on the cards, why the hell would we waste another minute living our normal, carefree lives?

Let's steel the remaining fragments of our soul and dive right into the inevitable heartbreak that awaits!

It's never a good sign when your significant other is sitting on the couch, clutching your wedding photo with a grim look in their eyes; but poor Tayler was still blindsided when Sam dumped him.

And while Tayler recalls their wedding day through rose-tinted glasses, Sam lies through his incredibly white influencer teeth about being attracted to his husband at the altar. 

"I wouldn't have wanted to do it with anyone else," Sam tells the cameras later. Except maybe someone you were actually keen on... right? I dunno. Just a thought.

Meanwhile, David and Julia are somehow still standing, although maybe swaying slightly from severe dehydration - there have been a lot of tears shed.

You know what they say: when the going gets tough, the tough get to an amateur clairvoyant, which is exactly what Dave and Jules elect to do.

Married At First Sight NZ 2018 episode 12 recap: Another two bite the dust
Photo credit: Supplied

The clairvoyant begins the session with a prayer "calling for the angels and the workers of light to connect and protect", which I feel would work brilliantly as a Tinder bio, but that's not the point. 

The spirit mistress reveals some astonishing insights about the relationship, like the fact that there's something missing and that they haven't had sex and stuff, which must have come as a real shock.

Perhaps sensing that Julia was considering asking for a refund, Mystic Meg tries a different angle, suggesting that David might do something "out of character" soon.

This prompts the show's editors to go completely wacko, creating a baffling vision of the future by cutting in black-and -white footage of the upcoming vow renewals like a scene from That's So Raven.

Meanwhile, the figurine of a Native American chief watches on with an expression of mild disgust, illustrating how we're all feeling.

Married At First Sight NZ 2018 episode 12 recap: Another two bite the dust
Photo credit: Supplied

With that kooky romp out of the way, it's time for the vow renewal ceremonies, which are kind of like the weddings, but with less side eye from the in-laws. 

Dan and Yuki briefly float down from cloud nine to confirm, yes, they're still super into each other.

The producers make Dan include a suspenseful "but..." to his vows, to try and add some tension, but they're not fooling anyone. The couple literally run into the sunset holding hands, taking with them the last glimmer of true love we're likely to see this episode.

Having survived the traumatising singing elves of the log flume at Rainbow's End together, Monique and Fraser decide to soldier on as a couple.

Despite insisting they don't like each other like that, he calls her "Momo" and they kiss on the lips. It's all left me a bit paranoid and kind of sexually confused.

Married At First Sight NZ 2018 episode 12 recap: Another two bite the dust
Photo credit: MediaWorks

Julia and David's vow renewal is tearful and emotionally draining. Full credit goes to Julia's make-up artist, who was forward-thinking enough to apply some industrial strength waterproof mascara.

Incredibly, it appears Clairvoyant Catherine was right on the money with her "out of character" call about David.

"I was hoping to find the woman of my dreams, and that's not you, Julia," he says, triggering a metaphorical mic drop felt around the world. 

"I truly believe she is out there, and she will value me and accept me for who I am."

It's not easy for Julia to hear, but David has been under a lot of stress - and thanks to his metrosexual skincare regime, remained miraculously break-out free throughout.

Married At First Sight NZ 2018 episode 12 recap: Another two bite the dust
Photo credit: MediaWorks

Meanwhile, the reunion party is looming, and everyone's coping in their own special way.

Ksenia blows kisses to herself in the mirror, Sam and Tayler get back together, and Gareth and Wayne gaze into each other's eyes over a cold beer - or seven.

"If I was looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with... Wayne ticks all those f**king boxes," Gareth slurs.

"It may not be someone I'm going to go home and have sex with, but shit!"

The new power couple that is Wareth (I know, not great, but the alternative is Gayne, okay?) make quite the entrance at the reunion party, having perhaps pre-loaded a little too much.

Married At First Sight NZ 2018 episode 12 recap: Another two bite the dust
Photo credit: Supplied

It quickly becomes clear Gareth has forgotten to leave his mates at home.

There's Shouty Gareth: "Me and f**king Wayne are moving to Auckland! We're getting a two bedroom f**king apartment!"

Then there's Inappropriate Question Gareth: "So Dave, how's your sexuality going?"

And even Flirting With Julia Gareth: "That pink lipstick is very forward..."

But before anyone can get Gareth a glass of water, it's time for a group 'cheers', where Fraser and Monique reveal they really have called it quits this time.

"Monique is an awesome woman," says Fraser graciously.

"She is, and she's got a great rack tonight!" yells someone off-camera (probably Gareth).

As we back slowly out of the party, Julia and David are at each other's throats, and Sam has slithered in between them like a fashion influencer might slide into the DMs of a protein powder company.

Pass the popcorn, Sam, would you?

Married At First Sight NZ 2018 episode 12 recap: Another two bite the dust
Photo credit: Supplied

From the looks of things, next week's finale gets even more lit.

It's got all the makings of a blue light disco where somebody has spiked the Raro - there's tears, tantrums and everyone's too pissed to eat anything.

Married At First Sight NZ's final episode for 2018 airs on Sunday at 7pm, on Three. Previous episodes can be viewed on ThreeNow.

Newshub.

Contact Newshub with your story tips:
news@newshub.co.nz