Married At First Sight NZ 2018 finale recap: We'll keep on fighting 'til the end

Here we are, finally, at the sweet release of the last episode Married At First Sight NZ for 2018.

We're right back into that 'dinner party', which is closer to a rowdy BYO dinner at Thai Me Up where everyone sculls a bottle of wine and stands on the chairs to make speeches.

"Guys, should we, ah, all sit down for some food?" Fraser asks, like a waiter attempting to control a pack of wasted uni students who have only ordered four satay skewers.

The group then holds hands as Father Frase leads them in a very woke prayer.

"We all come from different religions, slash no religions," he croons.

"We are 12 unique individuals, each with their special needs. But we all get on, and that's a rare f**king thing."

Married At First Sight NZ 2018 finale recap: We'll keep on fighting 'til the end
Photo credit: MediaWorks

Any remaining warm fuzzies are quickly crushed as Gareth chimes in to tell Ottie to "shut the f**k up".

"Alright, sit back down, little boy," she shoots back, leaving us all shooketh.

It's not easy to think on your feet in a public argument. For example, I'm still haunted by the time I told someone I'd "take them down to ground town" at intermediate school.

Tayler, speaking on behalf on everyone, commends the comeback queen on her handling of Gareth's trash talk - at which point it becomes clear the gloves are well and truly off.

"Shut the f**k up? I will knock you the f**k out. F**king little bitch," Ottie says of her ex.

It's hard to believe these two were ever once throwing out sick shakas and hi-fiving on a Balinese beach.

"He's a small child," she tells the camera later. To be fair, she was clear about not wanting kids.

Married At First Sight NZ 2018 finale recap: We'll keep on fighting 'til the end
Photo credit: MediaWorks

Meanwhile, Julia and David are having a heart-to-heart, by which I mean she's yelling in his face while he repeatedly says "okay" in a calming voice.

"You're just upset because you're not getting your way," he offers.

"F**K YOU!" she explodes.

It's all gotten a bit much, and the free-flowing bubbles can't have helped. Actually, we might be able to chalk this whole thing up to one big understanding about the show's premise.

"I don't want to be attached to someone, it's just not who I am," Julia declares.    

"Well, it is a marriage," Dave points out.

Just throwing it out there, if anyone is commissioning a show called Acquaintances at First Sight, please let Julia's people know.

Married At First Sight NZ 2018 finale recap: We'll keep on fighting 'til the end
Photo credit: MediaWorks

Unsurprisingly, Wayne's absence has not made Ksenia's heart grow fonder. But according to her, that might be because her heart is just too Russian.

"I'm still quite Russian", she explains. "It's a different culture."

I think, regardless of her nationality, she could at least acknowledge Wayne's flamingo shirt - especially considering her previous burns on his fashion sense. But hey, what do I know? 

Instead, she takes off, leaving Wayne in tears and me wondering if I'll have to tell my colleagues I have hay fever again to explain my puffy eyes tomorrow.

Thankfully, Fraser is here, dressed in his purple shirt and novelty bow-tie to offer some comfort.

"I've got a really good joke for you to improve your disposition!" he tells Wayne. Honestly, Fraser is so freaking wholesome he makes Barney the Dinosaur look like a douche.

The exchange culminates in a three-way hug between Frase, Gazza and Wayno that is so pure it could send all the world's toxic masculinity back to the dark recesses from whence it came.

Married At First Sight NZ 2018 finale recap: We'll keep on fighting 'til the end
Photo credit: MediaWorks

The next day, the troops bravely soldier through their hangovers into the expert's warehouse for yet another therapy session.

They're all looking very fresh, considering, and should be congratulated on keeping down their eggs bene and Berocca long enough to have a final moan about their partners.

That doesn't apply for Yuki and Dan, of course. I don't think you can get hangovers when you're already so lovesick.

"You've got to give us a little bit of dirt!" expert Stephanie begs.

Sorry Steph, the best Yuki can come up with is that Dan didn't flush the toilet once, and even that didn't bother her much, because she's an actual saint.

Never mind though, there's plenty of feelings to feel, especially when Fraser employs an adorably confusing analogy to describe his relationship with Monique.

"I like baking brownies. It's like all the ingredients are there, but when you go to put it in the oven, the power is turned off," he says.

"Or it sticks to the f**king baking tray."

Frase gets choked up. I'm depressed, and suddenly quite hungry. It's time to move on.

Married At First Sight NZ 2018 finale recap: We'll keep on fighting 'til the end
Photo credit: MediaWorks

David and Julia's final turn in the naughty chair does not go well.

She apologises for swearing at him, but only because he pushed her to her limits. He accuses her of lying, but about what, I'm just not sure.

It's overwhelming for all of us, but mostly Dave, whose well-moisturised lower lip starts to quiver.

In the words of Ariana Grande: I ain't got no tears left to cry.

That's a lie. I'm a hot mess, already calculating how many YouTube compilations of otters holding hands I'll need to watch to recover from this.

Unaffected by all the bitching and crying, Samuel Levi gives himself a round of applause as he approaches the couch.

Even though it's been really tough having such a large social media following, his relationship with Tayler persevered. Really, it's as touching as an Instagram post captioned: 'Live, laugh, love'.

I was desperately hoping everyone would link arms and walk off into the sunset while Vitamin C's 'Graduation (Friends Forever)' played in the background, but it wasn't to be.

Instead, everyone finished with a brief, probably out-of-context final thought.

"It's a great story, and that's what I came in for," says Ottie.

And on that inspirational note, I bid you all farewell. I'm off to listen to a 30-minute meditation podcast and reassess my life choices.

Married At First Sight NZ's final episode for 2018 airs on Sunday at 7pm, on Three. Previous episodes can be viewed on ThreeNow.


Contact Newshub with your story tips: