Hit the dab, 2019, you've done it again. I might still be moderately drunk from Hogmanay, but The Spinoff has been handed some extremely piping hot intel from a high level source that Max Key is in talks to appear on Celebrity Treasure Island.
The 23-year-old, who is currently having a mild one in Vegas with his father and ex prime minister John Key, closed out our prediction list last year as most likely to wash up on our golden reality TV sands.
Before you go popping the champagne, this tip-off is the third time that Key has been alleged to be 'in talks' for a local reality show, with rumours around both Project Runway NZ and Dancing With the Stars NZ making headlines in 2018.
But, on the other hand, as it is written in the bible, the third time's a charm. I, for one, am very into it. With no Bachelor NZ on the horizon any time soon, Celebrity Treasure Island is clearly the next best reality bay for Key to wash up on.
Here are a few compelling reasons why:
1) Extensive bandana history
Just like Survivor, a huge part of the Celebrity Treasure Island appeal is getting to know how the contestants will rock their buffs and/or bandanas while on the island. For Max, this is going to be his time to shine.
I've simply never seen a man make such a crisp line with a bandana before. He's also, surely, the only celebrity in New Zealand with his own bespoke bandana line.
2) Is down with the kids
This show is going to need to call upon both the seasoned celebrities of yore (Colin Mathura-Jeffree) and the young guns (Max and hopefully Heartbreak Harry), even if social media is on the demise.
Although he didn't make it onto Dancing With the Stars NZ last year, Max still managed to wrangle the youth zeitgeist into one simple video.
Him. David Seymour. Fortnite dancing. Baddabing, baddaboom, as the kids say.
Also crucial: the last time Celebrity Treasure Island was on TV, it was sponsored by Telecom. Clearly pushing the new-fangled phenomena of 'txting', all of the clues were written in an indecipherable text language.
A young gun named Dom Bowden thrived when it came to decoding them. In 2019, they are going to need a youngster fluent in hashtags who can at least chuck a few filters on their promo pics and dab without fear of getting sand in their eyes.
3) Quality footwear alert
Look, I'm a sad person. I've watched his Instastories, I've voted in all of his 'cop or drop' polls, I know that Max Key loves sneakers very much.
And I don't mean to bring the mood down, but a nice pair of leather Gucci loafers might go a long way towards protecting against coral attacks. Thoughts and prayers are still with you, Lana Coc-Kroft.
4) Likes geezing at the water
The ocean's got bucketloads of the stuff, but my only concern is that there will be TOO MUCH water in Celebrity Treasure Island and Max will keep getting distracted during challenges.
5) A polarising bloke
Key is likely to enrage most of the country if he is announced, and frankly I just like to see Kiwis who have had a gutsful sounding off in the comments. As long as they like, comment, and subscribe, of course.
6) Will ROCK a confession cam
He's a vlogger and an aspiring social media star! His whole life is a confession cam!
Imagine the things he will say about his other contestants, imagine how quickly he will let his guard down, imagine how much he will struggle to get the editors to put in jumpcuts and crash zooms and non-sequiturs of screaming goats in the style of Jake Paul.
7) Categorically ripped torso
I'm just saying that it doesn't hurt, in a situation where people are wearing few clothes, for at least one contestant to have a six pack. What's good for the goose is good for the gander, as the kids say.
8) Could spark a throwback dart controversy
As Calum Henderson recapped, the first episode of Celebrity Treasure Island was set alight with a flaming dart controversy.
Discovered in the bag of Nicki Sunderland (once radio host, now wedding celebrant), her team had to give up a fish hook as punishment. If the photos in noted periodical Remix are anything to go by… then we are headed for another durry disaster.
9) Has a cool history with media disruptors The Spinoff
Max Key has been forever intertwined with The Spinoff's pop culture coverage, whether it's been through The Real Pod's weekly Max Key Corner updates, his fashion and lifestyle muse Madeleine Chapman, or our world exclusive of his* Eminem diss track.
But here's the thing: he immediately filmed a reaction video to our video.
He needs us just as much as we need him. We're all on this sinking ship together, Max.
Also in the video he said that The Spinoff had been on his case for "eight years now." The Spinoff began in 2014.
10) Can stomach weird food
It has been lost to the annals of time, but the image of Max Key's friend eating a goldfish in his SnapStory two or so years ago is seared so deeply and intricately in my mind that I had to lose my memories from years 5-10 to fit it in.
It's not fair, but neither is eating a goldfish.
All we can hope will come from the horrifying saga is that Max Key goes on CTI and has to eat a weird scorpion or summink and it seeks revenge for the death Goldie Hawn (potentially not the goldfish's name).
So those are my reasons why Max Key bloody better be on Celebrity Treasure Island.
And as convincing and dehydrated as I may be at this time, I should hasten to add that TVNZ declined comment on any potential cast lineup, and Max Key's management are yet to respond to my singing telegram asking for comment.
Playing coy, I should think.