Delete your ex's name from that search bar and back away from the bikini snap of your high school nemisis - I've got some new people for you to stalk on Instagram.
The new season of Married At First Sight NZ (MAFS NZ) is imminent, bringing with it 12 hopeful romantics on the brink of reality TV stardom.
- Married At First Sight NZ 2019: Meet the singles
- Married At First Sight NZ 2018 finale recap: We'll keep on fighting 'til the end
Sure, you'll hear their on-air confessions in radio interviews, and you'll almost definitely catch them drunkenly doing something they shouldn't at one of the dinner parties.
However, as we're all acutely aware, there's no better way to cut to the core of a human than to scroll through their social media feed until you're unearthing photos from 2012.
So, my gift to you - the Instagram accounts of the 2019 MAFS NZ participants:
Carmen - @carmenstimpson
Follower count: 2,857
Vibe: No, my booty will not quit, thanks for asking.
Carmen should have a degree in bathroom selfies and potentially be awarded a medal of honour for somehow not having sweat stains on any of her grey workout gear.
Other evidence that she might be a genetically engineered alien designed to seduce and then maybe destroy the human race comes in the form of flowing locks, a flawless complexion and a superhuman ability to sit down in a bikini without a single tummy roll.
Best caption: "If I was a Spice Girl right now - I would be Sweaty Spice."
Jordan - @jordan.dare581
Follower count: 2,115
Vibe: Vroom vroom
Jordan is a race car driver, guys, which means he gets to talk about being "trackside" at the "speedway" and wear one of those dope red jumpsuits.
The Foxton lad's feed is a high-octane ride filled with trophies, action shots and just generally putting the pedal to the metal. If you're not much of a petrol head though, no big deal - he also films himself doing handstand push-ups.
Best caption: "I only really get excited about four days a year... Xmas day, New Years day, Kfryday [sic] and Teams champs day."
Vicky - @victorialouisefuller
Follower count: 2,137
Vibe: Eat, pray, love, travel queen
Not only has Vicky seen the world, she's also got her shit together enough to organise her Instagram Stories into different highlight categories and break up her long, inspirational captions into relevant chapters.
She scales Guatemalan volcanoes, catches butterflies on Greek beaches and dog sleds in Sweden. Way to make us all feel really great about ourselves, Vicky.
Best caption: "Your mind is always responding to what we say or think. Everyday you get to choose how to speak to yourself."
Stefaan - @stefaan_nes
Follower count: 330
Vibe: Shaka, brah
Stefan's life appears to be a salty blur of jet skis, beers and bush walks, which sounds a bit like how Justin Bieber might choose to spend a holiday in NZ, but in reality, is actually very wholesome.
He dedicates posts to his mum on her birthday and writes things like "can't wait for the next family vacation!" without a skerrick of irony. His most-used emojis include the sunglasses smileyface, thumbs up and the sun.
Best caption: "Vitamin sea."
Aimee - @aimee__collins
Follower count: 323
Vibe: Absolutely never has chipped nail polish
Aimee is the kind of workmate that would blow up balloons and put them on your desk with a cupcake and a funny photoshopped card of your face on your birthday.
I can just tell.
Between her girls nights out and penchant for bubbletea, she's a god damn bundle of joy. But she does do jiu jitsu, so, like, don't be a dick.
Best caption: "Was not made to be tamed. Does anyone else feel a little wild in tiger print?"
Christopher - @christopherwilson1964
Follower count: 74
Vibe: Still working on mastering the hashtag
From sharing snaps of his swan friends to taking a wholesome selfie with his barber, Christopher's burgeoning Instagram career is maybe the purest thing on the internet right now.
Bonus points for boldly including his birthyear in his username and making valiant attempts to fit entire sentences, sometimes including punctuation, into a single hashtag.
Best caption: "#lovingthebasicneedsofmankindtonight"
Rose - @rose_mafs
Follower count: 231
Vibe: I only got Instagram after I found out I was going on MAFS
If you love statement earrings, shopping at Dejucba and fun tote bags that say "I could give up shopping, but I'm not a quitter", you will love Rose.
And how could you not? She's the definition of hot to trot, and a doting mother to her three girls who comment things like "this is so ugly mum" on the sweet photos she shares of them.
Best caption: "Salad on a sunny autumn day."
Jonathan - @jaytrenbe
Follower count: 1,835
Vibe: DM me for beard oil recommendations
Jonathan is a man who makes time for his passions in life.
He loves his dog, his friends, and he loves Harry Potter so much he went to the trouble of wearing a Cedric Diggory quidditch Jersey in front of the theatre where Harry Potter and the Cursed Child was playing.
He also loves a spot of male modelling - but he's just a normal guy like you or I. For example, he captioned this photo "flamingos be like"; because it sort of looks like he's standing on one leg in the Hannah's shoes ad. Lol.
Best caption: "It's legit getting dark at 3.45pm atm. I mean com on [sic]."
Anna - @saxinz
Follower count: 2,693
Vibe: Can't talk, writing my next single
It's no small coincidence that Anna's music pseudonym 'Saxi' sounds a whole lot like the word 'sexy'. The singer/songwriter loves to pair a smouldering stare with one of her many, many leather jackets.
Bonus content can be found on her Instagram Story, where she posts screenshots of DMs from people like MAFS AU bride Jessika Power, who advises: "bugger the trolls".
Best caption: "I decide the vibe."
James - @jameshardy1
Follower count: 914
Vibe: OE? Oh YEAH.
Move over Logan Dodds, if James' career as a telecommunications technician doesn't work out he could be the next big travel blogger on the scene.
Just 152 weeks ago, he was uploading slightly uninspiring snaps of the sunset taken through the lense of his Ray Bans, but he's come a long way since then. Perhaps the best thing about his breathtaking travel photos is the classic Kiwi captions that come with them.
Best caption: "Just chillen on a big ass cliff in my fourth favourite country [sic]."
Ray - @raywedlake
Follower count: 1,768
Vibe: Walking thirst trap
If you saw those MAFS NZ publicity photos on the weekend and thought: 'I wonder what that guy Ray's bum looks like', wonder no more.
You can also put to rest any question of how he might look in a spray tan booth, in bed, or naked in the bath with a strategically placed rubber duck.
Before you get all judgy, the duck is wearing a bow tie.
Best caption: "The towel slipped... YOLO."
Chris - @tigabouttown
Follower count: 862 (NB: Chris has now made his profile private)
Vibe: Never not sending it
Several of Chris' backwards-cap wearing, festie-going snaps looked strangely familiar to me... and then I remembered I've definitely swiped past him on Tinder on at least four occasions.
Now that he's officially off the market, hitched to a stranger, I can't help but wonder what could have been.
Sigh.
Best caption: "If you ain't raving, you're misbehaving."
Married At First Sight NZ premieres at 8.30pm on Sunday September 8 on Three.
Newshub.
