Married At First Sight NZ 2019 episode 4 recap: This is my last resort

It's honeymoon time on Married At First Sight NZ, giving everyone an opportunity to don a sick shell necklace and the show's drone operators their time to shine. 

The couples are headed to Fiji to frolic about, fight with each other and frantically pretend they haven't made a hideous error in judgement by marrying a stranger. 

Fun! Let's go. 

James and Carmen 

James seems to have everything he needs in Fijian paradise: A beautiful new wife, an endless supply of 'Lost Boy' singlets, and - oops - a girl he used to have casual sex with during his OE. 

Sound the alarm, James has confirmed it. He and Vicky totally banged, on more than one occasion, in a past life (read: like, last year). 

Neither of them can really concentrate on the game of volleyball that's underway, which is weird considering how a bit of compulsory, organised sport usually takes the edge off a stressful group dynamic. 

It's all fine, fine, FINE, though, as Vicky tries to convince us she and James are just "really good mates," unaware of his earlier humblebrag to producers. 

Carmen, Vicky, James: Just three pals on a honeymoon together.
Carmen, Vicky, James: Just three pals on a honeymoon together. Photo credit: MediaWorks

Later, James trots off to tell his new bride Carmen exactly what the scenario with Vicky is in a mature and truthful way - oh, wait, sorry, no. 

Actually, he's going to call Vicky a "bad mistake" and downplay how many times they slept together, which makes sense considering "honesty is real big in this for him". 

Carmen is totally okay with this half-truth, which means James is off the hook, as long as Vicky plays ball. 

James needn't have worried, Vicky is chill, guys. You can tell by the way she greets James with a high-pitched "Wassup, brother?!" at the group lunch. 

Christopher and Rose 

I'm going to be honest, these two are fast becoming a bit of a snooze-fest. 

Is it impressive that Rose is somehow wearing a full, flawless face of makeup in bed at 6am? Sure. 

Am I having a hard time deciding if Christopher's exotic pyjamas are cute or creepy? You betcha. 

Is there much else going on? Nuh-uh. 

Chris and Rose seem to know this, and are compensating by speaking and behaving as if they're actors in a soap opera they've scripted themselves. 

"Hey, hat on or off?" Chris asks, before tossing his fedora into the sand, where hopefully, it will remain forevermore. 

Fedorable.
Fedorable. Photo credit: MediaWorks

Let's not forget though, Chris is an "active relaxer", so he probably has some big plans. At lunch, he propositions James to go out Hobie-Catting. Absolutely no one knows what this means, least of all James, but he's said yes anyway, so there's that to look forward to. 

Anna and Jordan 

Anna is feeling overwhelmed, as am I by her choice in resortwear. 

We get a glimpse at the lengthy piece of script she has tattooed on her side, before it becomes apparent she's got far more to say in her ink than she does to her husband. 

At the lunch get-together, Anna and Jordan arrive in the fashion of a Mariah Carey photoshoot, with Jordan carrying Anna in princess-style. This is timed suspiciously well with a word from expert Stephanie, who warns that some of the couples could possibly, potentially, just maybe be putting on a front. 

Bula!
Bula! Photo credit: MediaWorks

Later, the pair try to take things deeper with a serious chat. "I hate finger food - it's just not a substantial meal," Jordan begins. 

"Question!" Anna counters, ignoring her husband's relatable take on canapes. 

"Do you think we're compatible?" she asks. At first, it sounded as though she'd asked "do you want to go paddle-boarding?" which might have been a better approach. 

Stefaan and Vicky

When we check in with these two, heading down to the beach for a cocktail, Stefaan seems to already be sussing out an escape route. 

"I can't exactly run now, can I?" he jokes, although it sounds like he really would like to know, please. 

To be fair, I don't think Vicky would mind much if he did decide to make a dash for freedom - she looks downright miserable. 

"We got off real well together straight away," Stefaan says to his wife. 

Sorry Stef, I'm going to have to stop you there. You most certainly did not "get off" with Vicky, which I suspect is part of the problem here. 

Even calling what's happening between you two getting ON wouldn't be very accurate. 

I'm really not sure what to tell you, except maybe try and stop referring to yourself in the third person. 

A vision of newlywedded bliss.
A vision of newlywedded bliss. Photo credit: MediaWorks

Things go from bad to worse when Vicky, "out of the corner of her ear," hears Stefaan saying she cares too much about her appearance, or dolls herself up too much or something. 

Stefaan doesn't want her to think he's "negative against make up," but the damage is done. The interaction ends with what I think takes the wedding cake for The Most Awkward MAFS Moment Thus Far. 

Reaching over to either shake Vicky's hand or - steady on - maybe touch her on the leg, Stefaan changes tack faster than the skipper of a Hobie Cat. He pulls back, instead telling her "well, thanks for coming down!" like a game show host trying to get to an ad break. 

Ray and Jonathan 

Having shown such promise on their wedding day - they didn't even sing their vows or anything - Jonathan and Ray seem to be falling apart. 

You know it's bad, because not even private access to a swim-up pool bar can distract them from fighting. 

After expressing his affection for Jono in a very adult way on his wedding night, Ray is now behaving like a temperamental toddler. 

"I needed to eat!" "It's 9am!" "It's been two days!" he responds to Jono's attempts to understand why his husband's suddenly gone cold on him. 

As it turns out, the only thing Ray has truly gone cold on is a turkey - he's dropped a pack-a-day smoking habit. 

The withdrawals are making him more irritable than a cornered mongoose, which, incidentally, is maybe how he feels when Jono backs him up against the pool wall to talk about communication. 

Trouble in paradise.
Trouble in paradise. Photo credit: MediaWorks

It's all so tense, the editors are already in danger of exhausting their catalogue of stressful violin music.

Whether or not Ray eventually caves and takes a big hit on his vape pen, we can't say, but his disposition does improve, and the pair are able to go back to pashing it up in the pool. 

Will Christopher produce another tupperware of home baking? Does Vicky think we haven't noticed her hitting on James? What the hell is a Hobie-Cat? 

We'll just have to wait and see. 

Married at First Sight NZ will return on Monday night on Three at 7:30pm and can be viewed again via ThreeNow

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