Married At First Sight NZ 2019 episode 9 recap: Sex, lies and videotape

Tonight on Married At First Sight NZ, there's so much room for activities. The couples are about to head out on some fun dates to get to know each other better. 

Now, normally this part happens before anyone gets married, but in this topsy-turvy mixed up world who really cares about the natural order of things? 

Christopher and Rose 

When we left the commitment ceremony last night, Christopher had written 'leave' to show Rose he ain't no deadbeat Dad. 

With the sound of her husband's "warning shot" still ringing in her ears, Rose has mustered up all her "stickability" to write 'stay' and carry on with the experiment. 

Now it's time to tackle the tough issues. Rose has diagnosed Chris with a severe case of "hypo-exterior and over-hypo-humour", which sounds painful. 

The cure, as it turns out, is a trip to a Transformational Healer who will align the living heck out of Chris' chakras and calm him down with some crystals and a tuning fork.

Goodnight, sweet prince.
Goodnight, sweet prince. Photo credit: MediaWorks

"We've sat cross-legged on the floor and held arms and looked at each other," he tells the healer proudly.  Rose reckons Chris doesn't believe in any of this, but Chris insists he's zen as f**k. 

"I've done a lot of searching in my life. Can't you tell? I wear triple denim," he says. 

Who knows whether it's the Canadian tuxedo, the crystals or complete exhaustion, but something clicks for Rose as she touches up her hubby's heart chakra and unlocks a "deeper level of attraction". 

With an initial level of attraction the depth of an ant's swimming pool, this wasn't difficult - unlike hearing Chris say the words "I want to make love, I don't want to have sex," which was tough.  

"Have your eyes glazed over?"
"Have your eyes glazed over?" Photo credit: MediaWorks

Carmen and James 

With really nothing bad to say about the relationship, the experts warned James and Carmen last night that their undeniable chemistry could fizzle out one day. 

As a precaution, the newlyweds have decided to go pole dancing, to prevent the Sex-o-Meter from slipping below 'Horrendously Horned-Up' for even one second. 

In a stunning reversal of the gender roles that James 'For The Boys' Hardy previously championed, it turns out he's a really, ridiculously good pole dancer. 

"He's like a little butterfly up there. It made me feel weird inside," Carmen says. 

*Wolf whistles loudly*
*Wolf whistles loudly* Photo credit: MediaWorks

We all feel weird inside sometimes, Carmen, no more so than when watching this show. 

Anna and Jordan

Anna's been Googling 'how to tell if you're falling in love' which is a real improvement on my own 'dog welcomes home military mom' and 'how to cook rice on the stove'. 

According to the internet, all the signs are there: she can't stop staring at him, she's always thinking about him, and she's trying new things, like hooning around in a race car. 

Jordan is stoked that Anna was "almost cheering" for him as he put the pedal to the metal, pleased to see that "she can actually enjoy things like that, and being a bit of a bogan". 

Time to pump the brakes though - there's a Big Chat about to get underway, as Anna spills the beans on her Los Angeles sex tape.

The confession turns out to be a three-parter. There's the tape, the semi-nude photoshoot, and the fact Anna must continue to work closely with the man who produced, starred in and distributed the aforementioned sex tape. 

The voiceover lady reckons Jordan isn't taking the news well, but he looks calmer than Christopher after a crystal healing session. 

Uh-oh.
Uh-oh. Photo credit: MediaWorks

He tells Anna it would be really tough, and even maybe a deal-breaker if she went off to LA for three months with the nefarious music producer responsible for leaking the tape. 

"He's not someone that you can trust, so he's not someone that I can trust," he points out, maybe the most sensible thing anyone's said this season. 

Those bright lights of Hollywood sure do cast a dark shadow. 

Vicky and Stefaan 

I'd really love to believe Vicky when she insists she does actually like Stefaan, but she doesn't make it easy with her wild over-compensation. 

"Blueberry muffin, sugar plum cake," a cutesy card to her husband begins. 

"What a crazy, beautiful ride the last two weeks have been. I love this journey that we are on together. Here's to another week of laughter and good times!" 

"I love you," Stefaan finishes reading. 

You wot m8?
You wot m8? Photo credit: MediaWorks

"What?! THAT DOES NOT SAY THAT!" Vicky replies. 

"It says 'Love, your wife'," she clarifies.

This matters not to Stefaan, who, given an inch, has run a mile - good thing he's wearing his ergonomic sneakers for the couple's tramp through the Waitakere Ranges. 

Yes, he's only gone and dropped the L-bomb, in a move that's left Vicky more shocked than when she discovered he'd only packed a box of raisins in a towel. 

Ray and Jono 

Ray and Jono are spending the day apart. It's not a healthy start, much like Ray's breakfast of coffee and a cigarette. 

Jono goes for a wholesome breakfast with Rose, who really wants to see the couple work out because they're "super hot". True, Rose, but the temperature in the bedroom is icy. 

When Ray's mates ask him to "back up the bus" to explain where things have gone wrong in the relationship, he replies that he "hasn't backed up anything at all". 

Ray says they're "just banging heads", and sadly, it seems, nothing else. 

Jono attempts to mend things with a home-cooked meal, but it only serves to provide an opportunity for a fun gag. "Two gay men eating fish tacos, I love it, the irony," Jono quips. Ray doesn't raise a smile. 

Taco Tuesday looking grim this week.
Taco Tuesday looking grim this week. Photo credit: MediaWorks

Having learned there are some things not even homemade guacamole can fix, Jono is later awoken by "a literal gay man" - not his husband - in his room, who informs him Ray's been out all night, pashing up other dudes. 

The morning after, Ray is lying on the couch in last night's clothes mumbling "no, no," which I'd normally empathise with, but not this time. 

"He's been hooking up with multiple guys all night, like lots of different men," Jono tells us. 

"He can just f**k off," he adds, echoing the thoughts of the nation. 

Ray, you don't deserve Jono's glorious golden beard and coriander-chopping skills. You deserve a pounding headache, and for all the blue Powerade in Auckland to be sold out. 

Good day, sir. 

Married At First Sight returns on Sunday at 7:00pm on Three. Previous episodes can be viewed on ThreeNow.

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