Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, it's the final dinner party of Married At First Sight NZ.
Grab your floaties, we're diving right into an ocean of tears, booze and bitter exes, with some of the participants already baring their teeth.
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I've pretty much exhausted this Jaws vibe I've been running with, so just do me a favour and imagine the ominous theme song playing in your head to set the mood.
Jono and Ray (Ray-Jay)
Having literally jumped for joy after kicking Ray out of his place during home visits, Jono has not been looking forward to the dinner party tonight.
"I feel like I'm being forced to see an old boyfriend," he laments. He probably feels that way because that's exactly what is happening, except he had to marry this one on national TV.
The couple have had little contact following their departure from the experiment, save for an icky text exchange. The content of those messages has turned into a classic case of he said, he said.
At the party, Ray quickly sets about sharing Jono's private messages with everyone, proving Jono did in fact say "we should have boned" after watching their wedding episode.
Don't feel bad Jono, we've all sent an unfortunate text in a moment of weakness. Some of us once called a former flame "sjexzy" at an ungodly hour of the morning.
Still, nothing is more embarrassing than Ray's schoolboy-level obsession with stirring up drama. If he was half as dedicated to his marriage as he is to this cause, things may have turned out differently.
Ray calls several meetings of the Super Mature Boys Bitching Association, which only has one other member, Jimmy. The SMBBA do lots of fun activities together: smoking heaps of durries, loudly chatting shit about Jono, and, I presume, the odd pub quiz or beach cleanup.
When their gossip sesh fails to get a rise out of their targets, Ray resorts to a manipulative game of musical chairs to get a clearer shot for hurling weak, drunken shade at Jono and Vicky.
"She uz a diva," Ray slurs to producers about Vicky, "Din't beliv ut? Serch da definitchin."
While Vicky is not a 'celebrated female singer of popular music', Jono proves he can deliver a stunning one-liner as though he is.
"You're a bitchy little princess," "I'm not buying into your drama," and my personal favourite: "Tell it to your Instagram".
They're all going in the notes section of my phone for the next time my high school nemesis leaves a pass-agg comment on my social media.
And you know what? Jimmy might actually be right when he rudely calls an emotional Jono "a bit of a queen". Jono shakes Ray's hand, wishes him the best and sweeps out of the dinner party with a level of class and sophistication worthy of true royalty.
Carmen and James (Jarmen)
Carmen's quite rightly feeling anxious about the dinner party because "some people didn't leave on great terms".
James says the good thing is, they're "never going to see any of these people again", so if there's something that bothers him, he'll be "firing away".
Carmen, who spends her spare time taking custom-made cookies and bottles of bubbles to the other participants, isn't sure.
"Nope, I reckon... don't say anything."
"I'm not here to make friends, I'm here to make love," James retorts. At least if he ruins his marriage, he's got a slogan to whack on a new batch of those singlets he likes so much.
When the couple arrives at the party, the experts can tell straight away that Carmen's stressed about what Jimmy might say tonight.
Nothing to worry about Carmen, look, he's just over there, asking Jordan "what's the difference between honesty and bullying?"
It's not long before James, fizzing harder than Jordan and Anna's Soda Stream, has to take himself off for a wee time out.
"C**ts, c**ts, c**ts galore!" he rants on his way to the bathroom, one of the many chants that will make up his routine as Ray's personal cheerleader for the evening.
"You don't take that shit!" is one of his rallying cries to Ray. "Don't hold back, bud!"
While they're clearly on the same team, competition is heating up between the devious duo of Ray and James for the Ultimate Douchebag of the Night Award.
Not to be outdone by Ray's gaslighting, James' highlights include telling Vicky to "shush" and telling Chris he'll "knock him out shortly, c**t."
It's neck-and-neck, but James takes the prize with a stellar performance in the final moments.
"Vicky's looking like a slut on TV, and she'll probably always look like a slut on TV because she is a slut," James smiles.
"And sluts will be sluts."
Wow. Let's all try and remain calm, and could someone please call Martha from the Aussie season of MAFS, who famously likes to throw wine in the faces of unruly dinner party guests.
Chris and Rose (Chrose)
Having admitted defeat with wife Rose due to a lack of attraction, the only thing spending any time on Chris' bed these days is his vast collection of brightly-patterned shirts.
With Rose's words "it's like being married to my dad", probably still ringing in his ears, Chris dons a leather jacket over his 'two wrongs don't make a right' tee, which rocked the fashion world at the commitment ceremony earlier this season.
His trendy wardrobe choices have really worked their magic. Chris enters the room the way all young people do, by throwing up double peace signs and going "hey, hey, guys!"
"Wow, you look cool," Carmen breathes.
"Just being me," shoots back Cool Chris.
Rose looks hot-to-trot as usual, but she'll be absolutely fuming when she hears expert Stephanie's comment on her big entrance.
"Here comes Mother Rose!" Steph exclaims of the woman who frequently uses the hashtag #sisters on photos with the other MAFS girls, 20 years her junior.
"I don't think she'll like being called that," Stephanie backtracks, for once pleased to be locked in a backroom away from the party.
While expert Steph can kiss goodbye any dreams of discount eyelash extensions from Rose, Chris tells us it's actually his ex-wife's profession that was part of the problem.
"My ex-wife was a lawyer, my last fiancée was a meteorologist, and Rose is an eyelash extensionist," he tells producers.
Hey Chris, do you see how those extensions stayed intact the entire time Rose was crying at the dinner table, overwhelmed by everyone fighting? See how there wasn't so much as a drop of wet mascara?
Right, now tell me that woman isn't smart.
Anna and Jordan (Jordanna)
Having milked Anna's sex tape scandal storyline for every last drop, the producers seem to have run out of ideas for Jordanna. For now, they'll just use the couple's good looks for a spot of blatant, last-minute product placement.
"Shall we have a drink before we go?" Jordan asks his wife, gesturing to the Soda Stream conveniently on display in their hotel room.
They've gone for the cola flavour tonight, and boy, look at those bubbles go. Sure looks like it would be refreshing.
"Mmm, that's good!" they say, as they smack their lips.
At the dinner party, Jordan can "smell a hurricane a mile away", which apart from being an extraordinary sensory skill, means he regrets not pre-gaming with something a little harder.
Content with both their marriage and their home appliances, Anna and Jordan stay out of trouble, only briefly piping up to confirm, yes, they are in love.
If you're still in any doubt, I suggest you listen to their couple's cover of TLC's 'Waterfalls' here.
Vicky and Stefaan (Sticky)
Stefaan tried to convince Vicky their turbulent love story was just like Titanic, but really, the only similarity was between his heart and the mighty vessel - both broken in half.
Vicky dumped her hubby at the final vow renewals, but when we catch up with Stef, he's inexplicably trooping off to buy her a diamond bracelet.
Surely he's not still running with the Titanic theme, looking for a Diamonds on Richmond version of the Heart of the Ocean necklace Kate Winslet rocked so well?
Nope, but there is a plot twist worthy of a Hollywood blockbuster - they're BACK TOGETHER and this bracelet is a SYMBOL OF THEIR HARD-EARNED LOVE.
Having proved all those that doubted them wrong by arriving hand-in-hand, the couple is quickly back to their wince-inducing ways.
Stefaan: "I love you!"
Vicky: "It's corny to say 'I love you' on camera. I don't like, mind, it's just kind of corny."
Vicky, 10 minutes later, to Jono (singing): "I love you, da-na-na-na, I love youuuuu."
Confused? Same. And so is Stefaan, who finds himself in the middle of Ray and Vicky's show-down, looking from one to the other like a labrador unsure of which owner to go to.
"Stef! Come here!" Vicky beckons.
"Don't run because she says run," Ray mutters.
Someone throw the poor boy a bone.
Like I always say, it's not over until Anna sings (again), which we can only hope will happen in the final reunion with the experts tomorrow night.
The finale of Married At First Sight NZ will air on Monday night at 7.30pm on Three. Previous episodes can be viewed on ThreeNow.
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