Married at First Sight NZ 2019 episode 13 recap: Miffed mums and dubious dads

Polish your shoes, comb your hair and wash your mouth out with soap - tonight on Married At First Sight NZ, we're heading home to Ma and Pa.

It's time for the couples to see each other in their natural habitats, or as natural a habitat as a multi-camera shoot with producers whisking your parents off for interviews can be. 

Married at First Sight NZ 2019 episode 13 recap: Miffed mums and dubious dads
Photo credit: MediaWorks

James and Carmen


"His house is so nice, what the hell?" says Carmen of James' place, possibly having thought he's not the type of guy that gets into his house with an electronic keypad.

Once inside, Carmen's assumptions about her husband's family home are further shattered when she discovers he doesn't even have any All Blacks posters on the wall.

No time for a tour, though, there's another bet to be made. Gambling is Jarmen's second-favourite activity to do together as a couple.

The consequences of their previous bets include a "nudie run" and two very bad tattoos. I sort of thought the natural progression would be swallowing a live goldfish or some other frat-house style punishment, but actually it's just Carmen wading into a filthy pond.

"Carmen gets naked, tick, pond full of duck faeces, tick," James says, forcing us to wonder what other items feature on the sordid checklist he keeps in his mind.

It must be Saturday, because what comes next is absolutely "for the boys".

Carmen valiantly powers through an afternoon drinking sesh at the pub with James' mates, who fire out inappropriate questions even quicker than they sink pints.

While she's happy to confirm their honeymoon was good, and yes they did "touch each other inappropriately", the question of how she found "Jimmy's wee yam" remains unanswered.

Thankfully, Carmen's home visit is far more wholesome. James reckons there will definitely be a dreamcatcher in Carmen's bedroom, and when there isn't, points accusingly at a Hawaiian lei and a bunch of tiny disco balls instead.

Later, he chokes on his lasagne when asked by Carmen's sister if he wants to have kids. This is James' emotional pond full of duck faeces, and we're all watching him reluctantly wade into it.

Married at First Sight NZ 2019 episode 13 recap: Miffed mums and dubious dads
Photo credit: MediaWorks

Jordan and Anna


Just when we think we've got Gentle Jordan all figured out, it turns out he can deliver a sick burn with the best of them.

"Are you the Fresh Prince of Bel Air?" he asks, holding up a grey jumpsuit belonging to Anna. It's the kind of fashion critique normally reserved for a judge on RuPaul's Drag Race, and I'm very much here for it.

Now of course, Anna is not the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. However, she sure does know 'a couple of guys that were up to no good', mainly that one that sent her sex tape to all his mates.

Tonight, she'll once again confront the scantily-clad ghosts of her past, and even give them a seat at the in-laws' dinner table.

First stop though, is Anna's mum's place, where Jordan is back to his old relentlessly positive ways.

"You're doing good," he tells his wife, who is cackling maniacally through her attempt to spill the sex tape beans to her mother.

Despite his sartorial shade-throwing earlier, Jordan has failed to comment on Anna's latest accessory - a hot pink novelty tie, complete with bat wings, that says 'I'm an angel' on it.

We're given absolutely no context around this inexplicable wardrobe choice, and surprisingly, it does nothing to help Denise process the news.

In a heartbreaking interview that will take me several tubs of ice cream to recover from, poor Anna's mum can't hide her dismay.

"I just feel for her and want everything to be okay," she says through tears. "Some things, it's out of your hands and you can't help them."

I know what you mean Denise. For example, I'd like to make you a cup of tea and wrap you up in a big blanket, but it's out of my hands.

Jordan's parents are comparatively nonplussed by the revelation, although they do admit it's "pretty out there".

Married at First Sight NZ 2019 episode 13 recap: Miffed mums and dubious dads
Photo credit: MediaWorks

Ray and Jono


Even the glass on the sign outside Jono and Ray's apartment is broken - a large, conveniently symbolic crack running right through the middle of their names.

In case that isn't enough, the voice-over lady tells us the relationship has hit rock bottom, which we must have heard her say at least thrice before now.

Jono's place is, like his beard, exceptionally tidy, well-presented and - I assume - smells amazing.

Ray says the bedroom "reminds him of his teenage years", which sounds bad, but Jono does have the Golden Snitch from Harry Potter on his bedside table.

Most of Jono's mates have staged a mass boycott, the boy they are cotting being Ray. "They don't want to meet you," Jono tells him.

Still, a couple of them do show up for a horrendously uncomfortable catch up, in which Jono performs an excerpt from his one-man play, The Literal Gay Man in my Room.

By now, his re-telling of the sordid tale of Ray's 'friend' appearing at 4:30am has been honed to a fine art, but continues to achieve nothing.

There's briefly a glimmer of hope when the pair start flirting while preparing homemade pizzas, but it turns out to just be the glare from Jono's perfectly polished kitchen tiles.

Finally, Ray and Jono give in, coming to the conclusion they've had enough of each other.

There's an attempt at a solemn, soulful goodbye as Ray packs his bags, but this is rather undercut when Jono breaks into a Billy Elliot-esque dance of pure joy after closing the door.

After weeks of anguish, it's refreshing to see Jono so happy again. In his own words, "you can really tell his confidence is attached to this moment".

Married at First Sight NZ 2019 episode 13 recap: Miffed mums and dubious dads
Photo credit: MediaWorks

Vicky and Stefaan


After dealing with the drunken comments Stefaan made at the dinner party about his wife, the couple have decided the best way forward is with more booze.

They're out for lunch with a couple of large glasses of rose and a video camera to document how totally fine and all good they definitely, definitely are.

"Stefaan and I have had a lot of chit-chats about the commitment ceremony," Vicky announces.

"We're going to get this thing back on track," Stefaan agrees shakily, sporting the thousand-yard stare of a person starring in a hostage video.

If nothing else, Vicky has proved she's absolutely the best person to take on a road trip. She hand-feeds Stefaan an entire cake as he drives to their home visits, a move which I now believe should be a legal requirement for all passengers.

Stefaan's parents are absolutely thrilled their boy has finally brought a girl home, despite her being a total rando he met on reality TV. Things go well with Vicky's dad, but her mates aren't sold on "young and awkward" Stef.

Honestly though, we don't have time for their opinions, because we've got to get to work getting Vicky's mum Trish her own talk show.

We can't name it after her - I'm sure there's already a chat show called Trisha - but we could call it Vicky's Mum Makes Hilariously Blunt Comments In A Soothing South African Accent.

"What's your name again?" she greets Stefaan at the door, before swiftly demanding to know if he's in love yet.

"The filter is not on - I took it off, threw it out the window," she explains.

Trisha really shines during her segment on Stockholm Syndrome, which she says she thought of immediately after attending Vicky and Stefaan's wedding.

"Have you heard of it?" she asks Stefaan. "It's like when you are forced together. It usually involves kidnapping."

While Trisha's future as a star seems certain, the fate of Vicky and Stefaan's relationship is not. Having allegedly told Stefaan off camera she might "love him a bit," she's now saying she doesn't see it working out.

Clearly suffering a bit of emotional whiplash, Stefaan takes an approach to the situation I think we could all learn from.

"If it ends up being nothing, I accept that on the chin."

If only all our chins could be a little more accepting, I think the world would be a better place. Don't you?