Married At First Sight NZ 2019 episode 15 recap: My heart won't go on

I hope we've all topped up our spray-tans and applied a truckload of waterproof mascara because it's time for the vow renewals on Married At First Sight NZ. 

If you're thinking: 'Vow renewals? They just got married four weeks ago! What the heck is going on here?', I don't blame you, but I find it's best not to think too hard about these things. 

Yes, having spent scarcely half an hour apart since they got hitched as strangers, the couples are basically doing it all again, but this time knowing if the other one snores or not. 

Before that, they'll each go their separate ways to reflect, during which time a lot of soulful slow-motion shots will be captured of them standing near a window or walking on a windy day. 

Married At First Sight NZ 2019 episode 15 recap: My heart won't go on
Photo credit: MediaWorks

Jordan and Anna 

"We didn't even know each other a month ago," Anna tells her husband as they stare lovingly at one another on the couch. 

"I'd never even heard of Anna Saxi!" he replies. 

Um, sorry Jordan, this is awkward, but she's actually hung out in Hollywood mansions with Randy Jackson, so probably get out from under your rock, okay?

I actually just feel sorry that you've gone your whole life without hearing the seminal banger that is Anna's song 'Sex Craze', although I'm sure it's on the spring clean playlist now. 

Pumping out erotic anthems is the reason Jordanna are looking at a long-distance relationship, as Anna pursues her music career in LA. She's unsure if it can work. 

If it were me wrapped up in Jordan's arms -  all muscles and one well-placed vein popping out - as he whispers "don't forget about me", I'd be MAKING IT WORK, but hey. 

At the vow renewals, Jordan makes a little noise while fighting back tears that's so wholesome and pure I need to make it my ringtone immediately. 

He says right from the start he was blown away by Anna's "beauty, presence, and a voice that took his breath away".

Married At First Sight NZ 2019 episode 15 recap: My heart won't go on
Photo credit: MediaWorks

Jordan, please, don't encourage her - oh, too late everybody SHE'S SINGING AGAIN! 

"You've got my head in a little mess right now/Can't eat, won't sleep, no, I can't even lie to myself," Anna croons, apropos of nothing. 

"Trying to impress you the best I can/Cupid can you give me some medicine." 

The fact that Cupid is famously more in the business of shooting arrows than prescribing meds is irrelevant. Anna's original song has taken things from vow renewal to wow renewal. 

The couple seals their love with a cool handshake where they pretend to smoke a joint or cigarette - hard to tell - and then stub it out before blowing the imaginary smoke all over each other. Bliss. 

Married At First Sight NZ 2019 episode 15 recap: My heart won't go on
Photo credit: MediaWorks

James and Carmen 

It's time for Jarnen to move out of their Auckland apartment, and James can't be stuffed. Who could blame him? There's a free Soda Stream and lots of occasional chairs to sit and do interviews from. 

"I'm just a little bit lovesick I think," he moans from the giant king bed. 

"You're so full of shit!" Carmen replies. 

The couple is famous for chucking their issues on the metaphorical "hazard board" in their daily "toolbox meetings", and the vow renewal will surely be the highest stakes toolbox yet. 

"Carmen is the kind of girl I could fall in love with She's got all the right...asstributes," James reflects ahead of the big event. We don't know whether doing wry bit of wordplay about his wife's behind or just doesn't know how to say the word 'attributes'. 

Sensing this, the editors put in a shot of James' naked bottom as he gets out of bed. Thanks for that, team. 

"Shall we do our handshake?" Carmen asks as they prepare to say goodbye.

Married At First Sight NZ 2019 episode 15 recap: My heart won't go on
Photo credit: MediaWorks

"Nah, I can't be f**ked with that," James says. Fair enough, it'd be tough to beat Anna and Jordan's. 

Both Carmen's dad and James' mate are unsure about the idea of Carmen moving to Christchurch. Even James himself has to admit he'd usually do a "6-9 month apprenticeship" before moving in with a girl. 

Despite those doubts, it's no surprise Jarmen are both enthusiastically staying in the relationship. 

More surprising is Jimmy's assertion that he is falling in love with Carmen, having previously treated the L-bomb like a literal live explosive device to be avoided at all costs. 

"You had me at 'Yeah boy, I do!'" Carmen says. 

Vicky and Stefaan 

As the experiment draws to a close, Vefaan are sorely in need of a couple of neckbraces due to the emotional whiplash they're needlessly subjecting themselves to. 

Having gone from having "no feelings" for Vicky, to doing a leave/stay fake-out at Monday's commitment ceremony, Stefaan's now decided he's head over heels. 

"At the start of this experiment my heart was wrapped in layers, and as the days have gone by, Vicky has been picking off the layers," Stefaan says, possibly confusing love with a bad, peeling sunburn. 

Meanwhile, Vicky's mate Nikki is making a valiant attempt to drag her out of the pool of denial she's been wallowing in for some time. 

Married At First Sight NZ 2019 episode 15 recap: My heart won't go on
Photo credit: MediaWorks

Note: If both your mother and your best friend think your relationship is a result of Stockholm Syndrome, things are probably not all good. 

"Over this whole experiment, I have really developed feelings for Stefaan," Vicky insists.

"Honey, if we put Donald Trump in the room for a month you'd probably fall for him," Nikki counters, a hot take considering what we have heard about Tump's hotel room antics. 

At least the time apart has given Stefaan some space to come up with a relevant pop culture reference to help express his feelings in his vows. 

"Our journey is, in a way, similar to the Titanic movie, with it being highly unlikely we'd cross paths in our everyday lives." 

Okay...? 

"For the first time, my heart is free," he continues, which, believe it or not, is not a line from the film. 

"I love you, Victoria," he finishes, prompting a horrendously awkward face-touch-kiss-hug nightmare between the two. 

Vicky says she loves Stefaan's eyes and even his terrible dance moves, but it's not enough. 

Married At First Sight NZ 2019 episode 15 recap: My heart won't go on
Photo credit: MediaWorks

She's decided to let Stefaan go, much like Rose attempting to pry Jack's frozen hands off that door. 

The heart does not always go on, but this insane show does. Next week, we throw a bunch of bitter exes together in a bar and watch everyone meltdown, AKA the reunion dinner party!  

Married At First Sight NZ returns Sunday at 7.30pm on Three. Previous episodes can be viewed on ThreeNow

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