Married At First Sight NZ 2019 finale recap: Famous last words

At the end of the emotional Mortal Kombat tournament that was last night's dinner party, James muttered: "Oh well, see everyone in the cemetery, I guess."

While there was a lot of verbal button-mashing, James and Ray failed to achieve any 'fatalities' with their two-player attack on the other participants. 

It was all about as inspiring as a couple of stoned teenagers playing video games. 

Tonight's arena is not the cemetery, but the experts' secret lair, where despite having re-hashed their issues at least 37 times, the couples will square up for the final time. 

Vicky and Stefaan 

Holding on to their relationship by a thread as fine as the bracelet Stefaan desperation-gifted Vicky, these two are having it out before they've even left the car park. 

Stefaan's been busted going for a beer with the bullies, one of whom called Vicky a "slut" - James - and the other - Ray - dubbed her a "diva". 

"They hate me, and I just want you to have my back," Vicky asks her husband. 

"Holy f**k, why do I have to have your back?" Stefaan replies, reminding us all that this six-week-long relationship has been his longest one yet.

Married At First Sight NZ 2019 finale recap: Famous last words
Photo credit: MediaWorks

Stef says Vicky's "purely got Jonothan's back", but he wants to have everyone's back, and he wants to continue to catch up and have beers with those backs. 

This chat quickly dissolves into a good old fashioned game of Do You Love Me? But Really, Do You Love Me? No, I Asked First, Do You Love Me?. 

Stefaan wins by miming ripping his heart out of his chest and mic-dropping it in front of Vicky. 

They finally make it inside, where the jig is up for James, who "can't recall" calling Vicky a slut, despite him having said it no less than five times, on national television. 

Sadly, the editors have not had time to provide a clip of this footage, thus depriving us of watching James get his full comeuppance. 

Still, Vicky shows great restraint and patience in dealing with James' weak-ass 'apology', so perhaps she'll be able to put up with Stefaan after all. 

James and Carmen

"Shall we go and get some popcorn?" James asks Carmen on the way to the reunion. It is hungry work having a go at everyone all the time, to be fair. 

Sorry team, there's no time for a popcorn pit stop - the experts are waiting, and they've got a steaming hot bowl of relationship chat for you to feast on. 

For the entree, Steph and Tony serve up the spicy revelation that for a couple that were determined not to "get caught up in other people's drama," they've found themselves right in the middle of it all. 

That's gonna cause some uncomfortable acid reflux later. 

Married At First Sight NZ 2019 finale recap: Famous last words
Photo credit: MediaWorks

On to the main course, a degustation of curly questions: "Have you said I love you?" "What happened to girl code?" and perhaps the most confronting: "What do Saturday nights look like, Jimmy?" 

"Saturdays are still for the boys," James replies.  

But don't worry experts, they've talked about it, and Carmen gets one Saturday every month that is NOT for the boys, so everyone MARK YOUR CALENDARS. 

Safe in the knowledge that the bros won't be forgotten, expert Tony only has one more piece of advice for the couple's life outside the experiment.

"Pump all of that energy into each other," he says, a fitting farewell to the season's most horned-up duo. 

Ray and Jono 

Ray is reflecting on the chaos of last night on his way to the ceremony, in the quiet, considered and compassionate way we've come to know and love him for. 

"Jono left the dinner party early last night, he probably went home to rehearse some lines," Ray mutters in the cab. 

I know it's hard to imagine Jono can conjure zinging one-liners like "tell it to your Instagram" off the top of his dome, Ray, but really, he's just that good.  

Still, Ray's planned out a few things of his own for the session with the experts. He's so ready with some of his answers, he can't even let Tony finish his sentence. 

"SECOND DAY, 9AM," he barks in response to Tony's wondering when the first red flags of the relationship showed up. 

Married At First Sight NZ 2019 finale recap: Famous last words
Photo credit: MediaWorks

Ray is referring to the tantrum he threw on the honeymoon, where Jono had the audacity to talk about feelings before Ray had hit the breakfast buffet or his vape pen. 

Jono's reached a point of hysterical frustration and indignation that I can strongly relate to, now writing my 17th recap of this show. Like me, he periodically fights off alternating bursts of maniacal laughter and tears throughout the episode. 

Not having reached his confrontation quota, Ray takes aim at the experts, who he can't believe matched him with someone who "isn't' comfortable with being gay".

Ray probably believes this is another example of him "speaking some truffs". 

Jono likens his behaviour to an "animal that's hurt themselves and is trapped in a corner".

I would point out that I actually compared Ray to a "cornered mongoose" way back in my fourth recap, but this isn't about me, so I won't. 

As the pair finally go their separate ways forever, Ray's found himself a new boyfriend, and Jono, a newfound resilience for all kind of messed up situations. 

Chris and Rose

Despite the fact that 'Chrose' went their separate ways some time ago, they've arrived dressed like an illusionist and his lovely assistant. 

Married At First Sight NZ 2019 finale recap: Famous last words
Photo credit: MediaWorks

Chris' sparkly purple pants and Rose's glittery mini-dress show a cohesive fashion ethos that makes me wonder if they really did have a connection after all.

While Stephanie's right that they "never disappoint in the fashion stakes," their relationship does, in almost every other aspect. 

"We're great friends now!" Chris offers hopefully. 

"I wouldn't go that far," says Rose, for no real reason at all. 

"It's not a...bad...ending!" Rose tries. "It could be worse!" 

See what I mean? No one is mad, just disappointed. 

Jordan and Anna

The producers have strategically planned for Jordanna to be the final couple on the expert's couch, in a last-ditch effort to inject some joy into the proceedings. 

A relationship that can handle - by my count - no less than five separate sex tape confessions can surely serve as an inspiration to us all. 

Anna reckons last night's dinner party was so awkward, it was a 100 out of ten. 

"Like, I was sitting there, I didn't even know whether I should breathe or not. That's how awkward I was feeling," she tells Jordan on the way to the session. 

Now she's here though, her respiratory system appears to be functioning just fine, save for the loved-up sighs she emits while watching back the couple's vow renewals.

Married At First Sight NZ 2019 finale recap: Famous last words
Photo credit: MediaWorks

"I think it will be quite difficult to watch this without shedding a tear, so let's give that a go now," Tony challenges everyone before rolling the tape.

No, not that tape, the vow renewal tape. 

Anna weeps her way through the flashback to the ceremony, but everyone else remains pretty dry-eyed, actually. 

For my part, the only tears I'm shedding are over the fact the editors didn't include Anna's original song that she finished the vows on. 

"We're gonna get married, definitely!" Anna tells the producers in her final interview, an odd way to finish a show called Married At First Sight. 

Let's not nitpick, though, we're finishing the season with three out of five couples having made it out together, which is the show's best odds ever. 

I don't know about you guys, but all of this carry on has got me a little lovesick. 

All I'm left to do is wonder, just like Anna in one of her many songs nobody asked for, if Cupid will one day, give me some medicine.