Hey you - yes you, 'working' in your bathrobe for the third day in a row, with hair that's forgotten what it's like to be washed, constantly covered in a fine dust of crumbs.
You're okay. You're doing great. Not you, person who's worn jeans every day since we entered alert level 4 - what are you trying to prove?
Living in lockdown is weird and scary, but the one thing it gives us is permission to unleash the less refined sides of ourselves that we usually shield from the world.
Right now, you don't have to worry about discussing new releases at dinner parties or formulating a hot take on an arthouse film to impress a date. Just kick back with a family-sized bag of something and wallow in the trashy goodness of a not-so-guilty pleasure.
Go on, no one needs to know.
Come for the historical inaccuracies, stay for the over-acting. This epic ancient war drama inspired by Homer's The Illiad boasts a star-studded cast including Eric Bana, Orlando Bloom, Sean Bean and Diane Kruger. Then of course, there's Brad Pitt - who's starring role as Achilles makes me suitably weak, but at the knees rather than the ankle. There's almost zero emotional depth and a stunning lack of subtlety in the storytelling, but it's a gloriously bloody, sweaty, sword-swinging good time. Bonus points if you turn Troy into a drinking game by having a sip every time Brad pouts and gazes wistfully into the distance (it's a lot).
Where to watch: Neon / Amazon Prime Video
Here's a great choice if you're stuck isolating with your parents - feast your senses on the frothy feel-good sensation that is Meryl Streep's Mamma Mia. Yes, the whole thing is like watching one long nonsensical ABBA music video, but you aren't here for a thought-provoking plotline, are you? If you're not fussed on the all-singing, all-dancing spectacular of the ensemble scenes, you should at least catch Colin Firth crooning and playing the acoustic guitar on a yacht in a white linen shirt. You can dance, you can jive, and you might just have the time of your life.
Where to watch: Amazon Prime Video / Netflix
Wild Wild West
I don't even know where to start with this one. Described as a 'steampunk western comedy film', it's set in 1869 and features Will Smith, lots of guns and a giant mechanical tarantula. There is some kind of mission taking place, but I couldn't for the life of me tell you what the aim is. At one stage, Will Smith dresses up as a belly dancer and performs a show to distract the bad guy, and then his nipple tassles turn into flame throwers. If nothing else, it will remind you to immediately add the 'Wild Wild West' theme song to a throwback Spotify playlist with which to wow your mates when all this is over.
Where to watch: Netflix
Shirtless boys doing sexy dancing. I'm sorry, that's it. That's all.
Where to watch: Netflix, or hire from Lightbox / Quickflix / Microsoft / Apple / Google
Snakes on a Plane
I know, I know, but don't get mad. My logic is this: with all the real-world worries we have on our minds at the moment, why not suspend disbelief and hang out in a completely improbable clusterf**k of a scenario for a bit? You will laugh, you will palm yourself in the face, you'll be on the edge of your snake-free seat to hear that iconic line from Samuel L Jackson who - in case you hadn't heard - has absolutely had it with all these yucky awful serpents.
Where to watch: Hire from Google / Apple
There's no doubt emotions are running high at the moment. For some, that means shaving their head. For others, it means hurling a packet of mince across the kitchen in a fit of frustration - don't ask. However your lockdown feelings manifest, let me advise leaning heavily into the sap and melodrama of The Notebook. If you're a romantic, it'll prompt a shirt-drenching volume of tears - maybe enough for you to convincingly re-enact Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdam's rain-soaked kissing scene. If you're a cynic, you can grimace at the shamelessly saccharine love story and sit smugly in the knowledge you'll never be so mushy.
Where to watch: Netflix