Review: Justin and Hailey Bieber get their own reality TV show and oh my God, it's boring

Justin Bieber and his wife Hailey have launched a new reality show more mind-numbing than that one lockdown day last week when you spent four hours cleaning skirting boards.  

Episode one of The Biebers on Watch has already been released on Facebook and is beautifully summarised by the blurb, written by the 'Baby' singer himself: "Hailey and I hit up the lake I used to fish in as a kid". I've used a full stop in my version, but Bieber did not. 

Punctuation isn't the only victim of the power couple's new show - filming on their iPhones during lockdown means no multi-camera shoots, no producers and most importantly, no pre-scripted drama to make the thing actually watchable. 

They literally just go to the lake. That's all that happens. The most exciting part is when Justin refers to his 'Drew House' boat which one might imagine to be a kind of superyacht emblazoned with the name of his fashion label in gold writing. 

Instead, it's a dinghy with an outboard motor decorated with a smattering of smiley face stickers. They pootle out to the middle of the lake, where they take turns filming each other while they ask questions like: "What's the most rewarding thing about being married?". 

Justin tells us about one time he caught a pike fish that had a "skinny little nose and crazy teeth". Call David Attenborough, mate. 

At one point, Hailey's monologue about "like, working on herself" while she and Justin were broken up is interrupted by a speedboat in the distance. 

"Woah, we're gonna get some waves," says Justin. They don't. 

By the eight-minute mark, I'm well and truly checked out, but you know who isn't? God. 

In fact, the big man and his many blessings are frequently mentioned throughout the episode, which blurs the lines between an online sermon and a tape from a relationship counselling session. 

The whole thing is only 10 minutes long - although it feels much longer - and the mundanity is such that it's clearly been designed with only the most die-hard Beliebers in mind. Of course, there are plenty of them - the episode has been viewed 1.5 million times since it was uploaded 10 hours ago.

Back on dry land, Justin asks his wife "Did you have a good time? Will you remember that for the rest of your life?" 

"Yes," she nods dutifully. 

Well, that makes one of us.