Crank open the Uber Eats, take a break and eat a Kit Kat, and enjoy whatever other sponsorship opportunities have influenced you over the last 10 weeks - we've reached the end of the chaotic eleventh season of Married at First sight Australia.
Twenty hopefuls came in looking for love and *checks notes* - eight found it. Honestly not a bad result, all things considered.
This week has marked the all-important reunion episodes, which are typically the reason everyone tunes into the last four weeks when the writing is clearly on the wall.
It is also the launch of Jono's VILLAIN ERA. Which is appropriate given Jade is apparently attending the reunion as the Green Lantern. Can we expect some sort of Marvel superhero showdown, perhaps?
(IDK if Green Lantern is Marvel and frankly I don't care. This is a gag. Please don't feel the need to email me if that's wrong, I will not be replying)
Gone is the sweetly smiling Jono we've seen most of the season. Remember how he gave that sweet pep talk to Tristan? Wow, how things have changed.
Here to stay is a frankly startlingly bitter ex who sits down on the couch in slow motion with his new leading lady as they share the first of what will be approximately 1579 kisses over the next two hours of television.
Yeah, remember how he was so jazzed about the reunion because it would be a chance for Ellie to confirm that there was nothing going between them, and Lauren was overreacting?
ROLL THE TAPES BABY.
And oh boy do they ever. We're forced to suffer through about 17 minutes of replays and recapping like we haven't been sitting on our couch glued to the last 36 episodes. But in this case, we'll allow it, because it feels like vindication.
Along with this "surprise" (lol) pairing we get to see where our other happy couples are at: Ridge and Jayden have both inexplicably grown tiny moustaches but somehow are still happily with the two hottest women in the experiment. Riddle me that.
Tim and Sara are chillin' and for one brief glorious minute we think that Tori and Jack have broken up; alas, then we're subjected to this horror movie jump scare of his little nose nestled in her ear which made me audibly scream.
Happy couples and miserable singles are all gathering in Sydney for one final dinner party to DEBRIEF. Nat's back! Ben's back! Holy heck, even Collins is back!
"There is so much thoughts in my heads," he says and it's great to see this lil freakazoid hasn't changed at all in the last two months. Maybe this time he'll last 'til the mains.
Thank God we have everyone's favourite "glamazon amazon" Lucinda in a one piece sparkly gold jumpsuit ready to traverse the frequency of jolly good times a-go-go.
Lucinda, call me so we can have a "hearty convo where we get into the intricacies of all sorts". There's truly nothing I want more in this world.
It becomes clear very quickly that Lauren doesn't realise Ellie and Jono are an established couple, presumably for maximum shock factor this evening. So that's just a nice, kind thing to do to someone. Enroute to the dinner party, the happy couple discuss how they can make this as kind and non-awkward for her.
Kidding, of course! They make a lot of pointed comments about "slaying a dragon to get the princess" - complete with baby voice - and all I can say is what the actual f**k? I would have been ready to throw hands if I didn't have Lucinda singing "come, come, whoever you are" alone in the taxi to soothe my nerves.
Lucinda arrives first to the dinner party, quickly joined by Jayden and Eden, Tristan, Timothy - basically all the fun, nice ones. Everyone's hugging and dancing and beaming and drinking champagne. I would love it if the episode was just this the whole time. An hour of everyone having a blast.
Sadly, as Eden says, it's the calm before the storm.
Eventually Jono and Ellie's smug little faces come through the door for the great walk in. Sara is all of us.
After the shock wears off, Lauren says "hello Ellie" and she completely ignores her and HEADS FOR THE BAR ARE YOU KIDDING MEEEE?
Sidenote: The highlight of this episode is the waiter who got to say 'dinner is served'. You can tell he's been waiting his whole life for this moment:
"I'm feeling pretty good 'cause I have Jono" Ellie giggles. Cool!
Jono is still insisting that there was never anything happening during his marriage to Lauren (who is, at this point, literally crying); especially during the time they, ya know, banged on the home stay. He presents so many random numbers I turned it into a fun school maths problem:
Q: If Jono and Ellie texted 100 times, then Jono got in touch with Ellie seven days after final vows, their telephone chat went for 90 minutes, which led to a six-hour coffee and then they kissed 10 hours later, how much are they both snakes in the grass?
A: 100%.
"I feel like I've won Married at First Sight," Ellie burbles. "Everyone says I'm glowing".
Well, you won't be when you're reading the Instagram comments, queen.
Jono eventually gets so sick of the criticism from everyone else at the table and decides that if he's going down, he's taking Tim down with him.
"I heard Tim felt like he was rushed at final vows and if he did have that time he would've made a different decision," he yells across the table for no real reason.
Yikes.
This leads to a wild confrontation and storm out from Sara, which puts her at a total of three for the season and means the camera operators have to yet again sprint after them for a series of wacky Blair Witch-eque shots that make us motion sick. See things out as you've gone on the whole time, I guess.
Meanwhile, Collins is just thrilled to be there.
If, like me, you were feeling frustrated with Jono and Ellie's antics this evening, thank God for the commitment ceremony where sexologist Alessandra absolutely DRAGS. THEM. TO. FILTH.
Jono tries to stick to the timeline he insisted was accurate the evening before - that he called Ellie a week after the experiment - and Allesandra is not having it.
"You mean progressing from texting to calling?" she clarifies.
Get. Him.
And when Jono insists he had no feelings for Ellie throughout the experiment she dives in: "Why Ellie, then… why reach out to Ellie if you didn't have feelings for her?"
"I messaged multiple people. I'm a caring person and I want to make sure she's OK," he
says.
Yeah you're basically the head of a non-for-profit, Jono. Messaging a hot woman you wanna bang? Give it up for our Australian of the Year 2025!
Anyway it's all going around in circles and these two aren't budging from their stories so it eventually wraps up with Lauren wishing them nothing but the best: gracious queen.
But if we thought that was the most dramatic part of the night, we were mistaken. Despite their huge bust up the evening before, Sara and Tim are smiling away on the couch thick as thieves - and shockingly, Cassandra is furious? Remember sweet smiling Cass? She's going out with a bang baby!
"Sara just lies," Cassandra says. "She lies to make herself look better."
Woah - okay?
She doubles down: "I don't know you and I don't want to know you."
There is clearly some pretty shady editing here because none of the mouths match up with the dialogue but there's no doubt it's a public dragging. Throughout Cass' outburst Tristan is clearly so uncomfortable with the confrontation he's just dissociating.
Shockingly, this reunion has almost overlooked Jack and Tori, our resident villains throughout the season. They receive almost no airtime until they get on the couch and are being shown a highlight - or lowlight, as the case may be - reel of all of Jack's misdemeanours throughout the season. Finally, Tori has had enough.
No, no - not of her POS partner, please don't be mistaken! No, of all this experiment malarky.
The mic comes off and the two leave, off to share a life of happiness and 5am workouts on the Gold Coast.
Just as a nice palette cleaner, we finish the on on Australasia's favourite mum and dad: Lucinda and Timothy. Despite their marriage not working out these two are best mates and talk on the phone a few times a week - now that's a love story we like to see.
Timothy expresses his joy at being "out" and Mel jokes "it's not jail, Timothy" which is honestly just very funny timing, all things considered.
As Lucinda and Timothy discuss their divine connection and friendship, and the progress Timothy has made with his feelings across the season, everyone is crying - including me. My final premenstrual MAFS cry for the season. Get these two on a Good Morning-esque talk show immediately.
And that's the end! Everyone hugs, the experts are allowed to get off the couch and actually physically embrace the brides and grooms, and we can only imagine everyone heads straight to the bar because that was an extremely fatiguing 12 weeks.
Thank you for sticking with me, and them, this season! Now go watch Newshub Live at 6pm because God knows you need to know what's happening in the world.
All episodes of the 2024 season of MAFS AU are streaming on ThreeNow. All of our previous recaps for this season are listed below.
