The things people are too polite to tell you will change after you have a baby

Parents in bed with a baby
There are just some things that nobody talks about. Except us. Photo credit: Getty

Real talk. Parenthood changes you.

However cool you think you'll be as a parent - however disciplined or fun or relaxed or whatever - if you are expecting a child right now, that's all about to be flipped on its head.

Everyone's experience is different, so here's just a taster of all the weird things that might change after you have a baby.

You will randomly spurt milk

Sorry, there's no getting around it. If you hear a baby cry (ANY baby, not just yours), if you have sex, if you exercise - almost anything can set those bad boys off.

And what's worse, that milky elixir of life comes out at exactly your body temperature, so you might not even notice. You'll possibly have no idea your chest is sodden until a kind mum stranger wraps her jersey around your chest and leads you into a corner.

Invest in nipple pads now.

Your bra size might change, but not because of your boobs

Forget cup size and skin stretch. When you're pregnant, the very ligaments of your body soften, stretch and expand, thanks to a hormone called relaxin. The bones themselves can move and shift like tectonic plates, in order to ready your body for giving birth.

The focus of this movement is the pelvis, but the ribs can also expand to accommodate the belly. And those ribs might never shift back. So even if you drop all that pregnancy weight, you're gonna need a wider bra.

You're likely to be officially geriatric

It's a known fact that women are choosing to have kids later than ever before - last year more than 400 New Zealand women over 45-years-old had a baby.

Lesser known is how early you will be diagnosed as having a 'geriatric pregnancy'. This brutal classification kicks in at just 35 years of age.

Yup, by the time you hit your mid-30s, in breeding terms, you're a senior citizen.

Who knew you were considered geriatric in your 30s?
Who knew you were considered geriatric in your 30s? Photo credit: Getty

There'll be no more couple photos

All those corny, gormless romantic couple shots you're snapping every night right now? Those are over. Once you have a child, you and your partner will never again appear in a photograph together.

You'll both only be interested in snapping the child anyway. If you're lucky, by the time your reach their fourth birthday, some kind friend might have the wherewithal to snap a shot of you both trying to wrestle the kitchen knife out of your toddler's hand as they hack into their cake. Happy memories.

You will shag in front of your child

There are many reasons babies sleep in their parents' rooms. It's safe, it's comforting, and even after a full day's wrestling, resenting, cursing and cleaning up your little beloved, the moment they're asleep you're going to be staring down at their angel face like they fell from heaven just for you.

So what are you going to do about your sex life? Sit it out for a year? Screw in the kitchen?

No. You are going to dim that night light, turn up the white noise app, and do it like they do on the parenting channel. Quietly.

If this seems weird, trust us - after the primal horror and intense intimacy of birth, this will be the least weird thing you've done in weeks.

Some of your best friends will disappear

Babies aren't for everyone. One sad and difficult truth of crossing the Rubicon from carefree to mummy is that some of your most beloved people are about to opt out of your life, maybe for a year or two, maybe for good.

Perhaps they don't want to be around kids, perhaps they feel left out, perhaps they don't realise how much you'd love to see them - you'll never know the real reason, and it sucks and it's hard. Sorry mama.