Ah Christmas. It's the most wonderful time of the year, but it's also the only time, aside from funerals, you're forced to confront all the relatives you don't have anything in common with, apart from your DNA.
There seem to be some questions that continually pop up every year, so I went to my lovely Millennial friends and asked which conversations they were most looking forward to - 'Baby Boomer Qualms' (BBQs) - and compiled a list with some possible responses. You're welcome, fellow '90s kids.
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BBQ: Anything about your clothes, ie. "Oh is that what you're all wearing now" or "Rent in the big city must be high, you can't afford to sew up all those holes in your jeans!"
Fashion. Nothing like it to create those fun mother/daughter divisions. You can also sub in here your Birkenstock sandals, dad sneakers, that new Asos jumpsuit etc, for things that will be brought up as soon as you're off the plane.
Maybe calmly remind them of some of the '70s garb they used to don, inspired no doubt by the acid trip of their youth. Or maybe remind them that the holes in your jeans are nothing compared to the hole their generation left in the ozone layer, so I guess we're square Mum.
BBQ: Any chat about the country going to hell in a hand basket with female Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern running the country with a baby.
First of all, have you seen Neve? Here she is at the freaking UN looking so cute.
Yes the UN: that location where Ardern spoke after being the second woman in the world to give birth while in office. How cool her daughter has such a powerful role model, you might like to remind your grandmother.
You could also recount this quote from the Fijian Prime Minister: "Having little Neve in the room is a humbling reminder that the world's leaders must act not for ourselves, but for the future of our children and our planet."
Or perhaps, if none of that works, you could remind your family of how the first children of their beloved National Party contributed to society. Like this banger from Max Key.
BBQ: Being accused of being so very serious, with the classic "God you just can't make a joke anymore, it's PC gone mad."
I'm sorry, I think you'll find we indeed laugh at memes on the internet all day, especially ones including babies and dogs. We just don't like racism, Uncle Brian.
BBQ: For my Millennial mums, any comments from relatives and n-laws about the behavior of your children, or how opinionated/loud/fussy they are.
It's a revolutionary thought: parenting your children without scaring them shitless. Keep breathing, and remember that just because your grandparents think kids should be seen and not heard, doesn't mean that's the truth. If your creative kids want to strip naked and sing in the living room on Christmas, they should be able to express that.
As one Millennial newsroom mother put it: "Yes I know we were all made to sit at the table until we cleared our plates mother. That's why we all have weight issues."
BBQ: "What on Earth are you planning to do with that university degree?"
This can apply to many - in my case film and art history. But it's important to remind your family that university isn't just about getting a degree that will send you into retirement by 48. It's about learning a whole host of life-skills, incluing making a single kumara last three different meals, finding the cheapest wine for the highest percentage, and learning to cook mince in various forms. These are all important things to take you into the future, even if you're applying for 50+ jobs a day with your double degree.
BBQ: Any comments about your love life, including (but not limited to) "When are you going to bring home a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner", "when are you getting married", "when are you giving me grandchildren" etc etc.
If it wasn't bad enough that all your friends from high school are posting their engagement pictures on Instagram, now you have to deal with Auntie Linda reminding you she was married with two children at your age. It's a lot, especially when you're still looking at the Instagram of the guy form Bumble you spoke to for four months but never actually went on a date with.
It's also particularly tricky to try and explain that happy 2018 thing: a "situationship" to someone in their 50s. I've tried and I wouldn't recommend it. Just tell them you're happily enjoying testing your sexual limits in lots of casual encounters at the moment. That should shut any convo up real quick, leaving you to enjoy your Cadbury Favourites box.
Feliz Navidad everybody!