Kiwi kids are accessing porn at an alarmingly early age - and often by accident. While many parents may remember 'the talk' about the birds and the bees, the conversation is now more important than ever - and despite the awkwardness, it's an issue that shouldn't be avoided.
Porn is no longer confined to R18 magazines and secretive sections of the local United Video - it's available to anyone, at any time and any age. Due to porn's online proliferation and increasingly tech-savvy kids, 25 percent of children under the age of 12 have already seen porn. More than 70 percent of the time, this is by accident.
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Sex therapist Jo Robertson had a chat to The Project following her recent appearance at TEDx Christchurch, in which she revealed the devastating consequences early porn exposure can have on children's future relationships.
"Studies show that anywhere between 40 and 88 percent of porn is aggressive. One of those studies revealed that 94 percent of the aggression is targeted at women. Ninety-five percent of the time, the woman responds with a neutral or pleasurable response," she told her TEDx audience.
Robertson said parents need to be aware that porn can often be highly "aggressive, misogynistic and demeaning" in nature - particularly towards women.
"Unfortunately, young people are using porn as a platform for sex education. I'm sure most of us would be worried about that, given the content," she said.
Robertson also offered advice to parents who want to start having 'the talk', but don't know where to begin.
It's not a "one-off" conversation
Yes, talking about sex and porn can be awkward. Yes, sitting with your family while a sex scene plays on the TV is already the definition of cringey. But Robertson said that sex should become somewhat normalised.
"It's not a one-off conversation," she told The Project.
"It shouldn't be, 'I'm not going to say anything about relationships, sex and porn until they're 14'."
As an example, Robertson said she has introduced a dialogue around devices and the sharing of potentially explicit material to her primary-school-aged child.
"Even the concept of... 'if a friend shows you something you're not allowed to see at home, what would you do?'... [let them know] you're not going to get into trouble if you tell me," she said.
Start the conversation early
"Start the conversation early," Robertson said.
"If you look at the data... let's say talk to boys at around age 10 and let's talk to girls around age 12."
Don't expect schools to do all the hard work
Robertson advised parents to keep in mind that schools are under-resourced, and shouldn't be expected to be an authority on everything.
"We often throw a lot [at] schools. They've got to be experts on mental health, suicide, sexual health, porn - on everything.
"We believe in resourcing all the adults in a young person's life, their teachers, their principal, their school councillor, their parents, their youth worker, their mentor... whoever is engaged with [the child], they are supported to have that conversation."
Kids are asking for boundaries
"[In] the latest 2018 research... 89 percent of New Zealand young people said [porn] was influencing them, and 70 percent of them said they would like more restrictions on accessing porn," Robertson says.
"That's kids going, 'hey guys, we're over here, we need some help'. They've already said that for us, so we just need to step in."
More information and resources can be found at The Light Project.
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