Alex Casey counts down more of The Mad Butcher's maddest Insta-breakfasts, with bonus commentary from The Butch himself.
We live in very uncertain times. We don't know what the future of our planet looks like, we don't know if Minou and Jay-Jay will ever see each other again and we can't even be sure that our nearest and dearest aren't actually deep fake AI vaping sexbots programmed to mine us for our data secrets to blackmail us into servitude during the robot revolution.
Perhaps the only thing we can rely on in 2020 is that The Mad Butcher will continue to post pictures of his breakfasts on his Instagram, and that those breakfasts will continue to contain fascinating multitudes. From their avant-garde presentation, to their challenging flavour combinations, to their awe-inspiring vastness, there is truly no influencer content like it.
"Personally, I'm blown away by the comments that I get on the breakfasts," Sir Butch tells me. "All I'm doing is sharing the love and what I'm up to. I only believe in positivity and I don't believe in negativity. I just share the love. He replies to every single comment left on both his Instagram and Facebook pages - a combined audience of over 40,000 people.
It's not just the engagement that keeps people coming back, though, it's the glorious spectacle of the breakfasts themselves. "I think a lot of people must have really mundane breakfasts like cornflakes and bloody toast, but I like a big Kiwi breakfast," says Butch, whose feed of feeds is chocka with nostalgic morsels from shrimp cocktails to spaghetti on toast.
"I used to have a high profile and people might think I eat at the flash restaurants and stay in the fancy hotels. But that's not my go. I'm a simple person who likes simple food."
Without further ado, here are 10 of his not-so-simple online offerings.
10) Janice's finest
If you are familiar with the Butch breakfast buffet, you will know that his wife Janice is the GOAT of the Kiwi breakfast. She is well deserving of a place in the top 10 and probably also needs an OBE (Original Breakfast Expert).
Butch's review: "Someone asked me the other day on Facebook, 'Butch, where is the best breakfast?' I said my wife Janice, no doubt, because my wife does cook a bloody good breakfast. Sometimes my wife says 'don't take a bloody photo' but then I just take one when she's not looking."
Bracingly serious caption matched only by the serious amount of jam on that toast and the serious lack of respect for taking the spreads right to the crust.
Butch's review: "Sometimes I have jam on toast. I can have about six pieces on rye bread - I can eat healthy sometimes."
8) A Denny's diva
A generous latergram singing the praises of Denny's 'Kiwi Slam' breakfast. "Let's all share the love out there" Butch preaches. "What’s your favourite meal at Denny's?" Butch: I like the pancakes at Denny's.
Butch's review: "It's tucker. You get a hash brown, you get a piece of steak, you get a couple of eggs. What more could you want for breakfast?"
7) Hash brown < hashtag
This gram is rare for a few reasons. 1) the Butch doesn't often appear, preferring instead to take them from above like God himself. 2) There aren't 100s of chunks of black pudding anywhere in this photograph. 3) LOOK AT THOSE HASHTAGS?!?!? #foodporn? #instagood? #foodgasm? #hot? Is this the start of Butch's bonafide influencer career?
Butch's review: "Let me tell you now: I get no freebies. Recently I've had a lot of people trying to pay me to put things on my Facebook and my Instagram and I won't have a bar of it. I want credibility."
6) Huge lamington cake
Unconfirmed as to whether or not this enormous, delicious-looking cake was actually consumed at breakfast time. Lighting scheme suggests no, 'like' from @breakfastsam suggests yes. I want to eat this cake very much.
Butch's review: "Oh, lady. Lady. Bucklands Beach has this sandwich bar and they make the most beautiful lamington sponges. And I can tell you this - and my wife can verify - that I can eat the whole thing by myself. Unbelievable. Un. Believable."
5) Three eggs
Can't stop thinking about the sound of the knife scraping on that plate with no toast buffer. Sorry, you're probably thinking about it now as well, aren't you? My teeth feel loose lol.
Butch's review: "I must have been feeling off that day. I always tell them not to put anything green on the plate - no green allowed."
4) Challenging mandarin
Dry cornies, whole mandy, can't lose.
Butch's review: "That's what you call artistic. I put the milk in afterwards and I ate the mandarin in segments."
3) Sausage peen
You can't argue with science.
Butch's review: "I like to have a bit of fun with it. For me, I know I'm bringing a lot of people a bit of happiness, so why not have fun with it?"
2) Cheerios installation
Observe the symmetry of the apricots, the parallel curves between the banana gently spooning the bowl, the bit aggressively sliced off the Cheerios box to tie the whole work together. No milk, no worries. This should be in MOMA.
Butch's review: "I used to like Cheerios but I've gone off them a bit after my big operation. It's like I used to watch Emmerdale Farm every day on TV1 Monday to Friday, but after me operation I've never watched it once. Same with Cheerios."
1) Mysterious bacon man
This year's Bachelor to last year's black pudding boobs Bachelorette. I am truly enamoured by this handsome creation. Stare deep into his dark, bloody eyes, flecked with oats like the twinkling stars in the night sky. Who is he? His bacon monobrow furrows, his hash brown mouth remains firmly pursed. An enigma.
Butch's review: "I might be an old butcher but I do like to be artistic every now and again. I'm all about: eat what you like, don't care what other people think. If you’re going to die anyway you might as well die happy."