Warning: This article contains details that may disturb some readers.
A Wellington-based coroner has highlighted a number of red flags Kiwi women should be aware of in a relationship - signs that may help them avoid "being injured or killed by their partners", according to the National Network of Family Violence Services.
Coroner Mary-Anne Borrowdale conducted an inquiry into the deaths of mother-of-two Ngaire McKenzie and her partner, Murray Daley. The coroner found that Daley, 58, died by suicide after killing 61-year-old McKenzie and her dog at her Waipukurau home in the Hawke's Bay in June 2018.
McKenzie was described by those who knew her as a kind and generous woman who was able to see past the faults of others.
In her report, dated March 18, 2021, Borrowdale detailed the couple's volatile relationship. The couple met on an online dating site in 2014, and Daley later moved in with McKenzie.
In her report, the coroner acknowledged that Daley had exhibited controlling and manipulative behaviours throughout the relationship, including intimidation, death threats, intense jealousy, possessiveness and stalking - actions that can indicate impending danger to one's life.
The report found Daley was "needy, self-absorbed, repetitive and badgering, exacting and hectoring in his demands for response and reassurance", and was highly jealous of McKenzie's relationships with others - including her pets.
"These accounts of Mr Daley's possessive and controlling attitude towards Ms McKenzie are borne out by the direct evidence that was available to me, particularly from the couple's text messages," the coroner said.
McKenzie attempted to end the relationship on numerous occasions, according to the report, but Daley always managed to woo her with gifts and apologies. He also would threaten to kill himself if McKenzie did not take him back.
It appears McKenzie and her loved ones were unaware of Daley's history of domestic violence. The report found the 58-year-old had previously been violent towards women he had been in close relationships with, with two domestic violence incidents investigated by the police in 1994 and 2006.
Merran Lawler, the CEO of the National Network of Family Violence Services (Te Kupenga Whakaoti Mahi Patunga), said the findings are indicative of New Zealand's tendency to associate domestic abuse with physical violence, without acknowledging the behavioural traits that can predispose bodily harm.
"In this country, we tend to think about family violence as daily instances of bruises, black eyes, broken bones and police involvement," she said.
"The reality is that it is often played out in the form of behaviours where any single instance may seem so minor or trivial, some people would not even consider them 'violent'.
"Yet when amassed together, those behaviours show an escalating pattern of intimidation and control of a victim by the abuser."
Lawler said the coroner's report was a sobering read as it demonstrated how quickly "red flags" in a relationship - such as jealousy, possessiveness and controlling behaviour - can escalate to murder.
"It remains a fundamental concern that we continue to expect women, their friends and family to be alert to those red flags rather than insisting men, whose behaviour gives rise to the red flags, recognise their violence and stop - or get help to stop," she said.
Where to find help and support:
- Shine (domestic violence) - 0508 744 633
- Women's Refuge - 0800 733 843 (0800 REFUGE)
- Need to Talk? - Call or text 1737
- What's Up - 0800 WHATS UP (0800 942 8787)
- Lifeline - 0800 543 354 or (09) 5222 999 within Auckland
- Youthline - 0800 376 633, text 234, email talk@youthline.co.nz or online chat
- Samaritans - 0800 726 666
- Depression Helpline - 0800 111 757
- Suicide Crisis Helpline - 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)
- Shakti Community Council - 0800 742 584
