A Northland woman who lost custody of her children due to meth abuse has opened up to journalist Patrick Gower about how an addiction to P destroyed her life.
Jessie, from Moerewa, has not touched meth in three years. But her journey from junkie to sobriety has been tumultuous and seen her bounce from jail to hospital to rehab service.
At her worst she would sometimes go through thousands of dollars of meth a day, she told Newshub's National Correspondent in Three documentary Patrick Gower: On P, which aired on Tuesday night.
"Some days, I could easily go through $2500 street value - easily. Most days you can't even get higher than you are but you're still smoking," Jessie told the documentary, which is also available to watch on ThreeNow.
"[Meth is] easier to get than cigarettes; cigarettes you need money to walk into the shop to buy it, meth you don't need any money."
In Moerewa, Jessie could obtain P instantly without paying because it was supplied on a credit-based system, meaning users could pay for it down the track.
She has been arrested many times for selling meth and shoplifting, and has spent time in prison for her crimes. She is currently on home detention.
'I chose meth over my children - that's how weak I was'
Jessie says people assume because she was an addict that she had a bad, hard upbringing - but she didn't: "Drugs were not a part of my life, violence was not a part of my life, gangs were not a part of my life. I had a beautiful life."
She first tried meth when she was 16, but only really became addicted when she became a mother two years later. She says her use coincided with her suffering daily beatings, as well as emotional and mental abuse.
"I felt like I had nothing to lose at the time. It made me feel invincible; it made me feel nothing emotional-wise… it made me feel like I could [take the beatings]."
The P abuse resulted in Jessie losing custody of her children for a time. And it got worse; she later lost her youngest child completely.
"[He was taken from me] at birth. He was put on the front of me for seconds, cut the cord, [then] gone," she told Gower.
"There is nothing in this world that can make you feel worse than your child being taken from you… My life changed for the worse that day.
"If there is something in this world stronger than love, we have a problem. I chose methamphetamine over my children - that's how weak of a person, how weak of a mother I was."
'My family thought I was going home in a coffin'
On February 12, 2018, Jessie was hospitalised after being knocked unconscious during a beating.
"My family thought I was going home in a coffin. There was something said in hospital: the meth kept my heart pumping."
It was a difficult time in her life but one she now credits with being the catalyst for her becoming the "strong, loving mother, partner, daughter that I am today".
It wasn't easy to turn her life around initially, however. Jessie's whanau turned to her uncle, Far North Area Commander Inspector Riki Whiu, to get her back on the straight and narrow.
"The thing for me was Jess and her family trust me. What I needed Jess to do was trust… the New Zealand Police to help her save herself, save her children, save her life."
She agreed to get help, committing to stop abusing P and join Te Ara Oranga - a joint initiative between Northland DHB and the police to reduce meth harm in the Far North.
Her counsellor, Ivy Te Nana, helped Jessie get clean. Her experience helping her son curb his P addiction 14 years ago gave Jessie hope she could replicate his success.
"It was really important for me to hear that [story] because otherwise I wouldn't have opened up to [her], and if I didn't open up to [her] I wouldn't have got the help that I needed."
'I went from my deathbed to where I am today'
Te Nana describes Jessie's determination as "amazing", but Jessie says it was having strong support around her that helped her kick the habit - especially that of her father.
"My family, my children, my dad. No matter how bad I did, no matter how ugly I got, my dad never, ever turned his back on me," she says.
"I'm three years clean and I've built myself back up. With the support of my community, I've turned my life around; I went from my deathbed to where I am today."
"Getting off P has saved my life. Today I have a life. My children have a mother. I'm in a beautiful relationship, my dad has his daughter."
"These are the things that are possible for anybody. You don't have to stay a meth addict... you can work your way up with the right support."
Watch the full Patrick Gower: On P documentary on ThreeNow.
