OPINION: I was dripping with sweat in a 70 degrees celsius sauna, my makeup was running and my clothes were way too tight.
I was anxious and I had not slept all night.
They may call it a "hot flush" but I felt like "crap warmed up".
On top of all this, my boss decided to ring with a bloody annoying assignment.
I felt for a second as if I was going to combust.
So how did I get myself in this situation? Well, this was a “menopause simulation” - a man trying menopause.
You see it is one thing talking about menopause, but my female friends were really keen to make me experience it.
I said yes without knowing what I was saying yes to.
The set up
Newshub reporter Kate Rodger got together with broadcaster and Grey Areas podcast host, Petra Bagust along with my co-host Karen O’Leary to concoct a plan.
KATE RODGER: "It’s all very well for us to talk with Paddy about menopause, we gotta really make him feel it"
PETRA BAGUST: "So you need Paddy to understand what menopause feels like? We can do that"
KATE: "One of the big things is when you get hit by a massive hot flush and for a lot of women, that’s a really sweaty situation."
PETRA: "So put him in a sauna, suit, full TV makeup – shebang".
KATE: "I also suddenly started putting on weight in areas that I did not enjoy. So we need to make sure that his suits are maybe a size or two too small."
PETRA: "Insomnia has a massive impact on women during perimenopause."
KATE: "We need to keep him awake all night before we put him in a sauna."
KAREN: "I can do that, I can just give him a call every hour on the hour."
PETRA: "So sleeplessness plus I think energy drinks – he needs to be edgy and anxious."
KATE: "I think it sounds torturous."
KAREN: "Well that’s the point though isn’t it?"
The simulation
First of all I was kept up all night, with O’Leary calling me every hour.
First thing in the morning, I headed down to the Tepid Baths in Auckland.
I was given Eli Matthewson’s suit – It was so small I couldn't even do up the pants. (Which were wool blend by the way)
I then painted on a full face of makeup (something I know how to do better than many men!)
I was given the most revolting can of energy drink and forced to drink it in one go to make me "jittery".
And then came the "Coup de tat": I was sent into the sauna – 70-degrees.
My producer said just five minutes, we’d make it look like longer.
But I’m a "method actor", so I stayed in for a full sweaty 30-minutes
And just when I thought I couldn’t cope anymore: Kate, Karen and Petra organised one last menopause challenge.
I had to do my job!
I was assigned a "live cross" about the Parnell sinkhole.
It was too much. The only word I could summon up was “you bastards”.
My brain was foggy and I just could not think properly.
I threw out a word salad, then puffed and panted my way through it
At the end all I could really think to say was "Happy Menopause Day".
Menopause as a man
In conclusion, it sucked.
I know, I know… I only did half an hour and I should try ten years of it like many women go through!
But it honestly did give me empathy for what women go through - I really had no idea.
And the phrase “hot flushes” minimises the more serious symptoms that we could not simulate.
My menopause simulation really did teach me a lesson.
I know it may seem like I am “mansplaining” menopause here.
But I did it to try and understand menopause better.
I saw it as a chance to become less of a menopause numpty, and more of a menopause ally.
Happy World Menopause Day!
Watch the video above for more.
Patrick Gower is the host of Paddy Gower Has Issues on Three and ThreeNow.