As the world fusses endlessly over Ed Sheeran marrying a Suits star, The Spinoff unearths a true royal scandal.
The Spinoff has learned that a New Zealander once sold two plastic dog poos to Diana, Princess of Wales, in 1995. This exclusive breaking news arrived on the same day that her youngest son, Prince Harry, is due to wed Meghan Markle at Windsor Castle.
The New Zealander, Michelle Sokolich, was 19 years old and working in a London toy shop, Frog Hollow, when the interaction took place. Described as an "upper class" store in the posh district of Kensington, Frog Hollow has featured on at least one blog exploring Stores Where Princess Diana Liked to Shop Which Do Not Have websites.
Sokolich was working one day in November, 1995, when a sports car mounted the footpath outside and parked with haste.
"Diana and her bodyguard got out. I think he stood outside on the pavement while she came in alone."
Although unable to remember what the princess wore while procuring the caricature crap, she described her outfit as "very elegant".
Diana allegedly took a no-nonsense approach to the outing, heading decisively to the faux faeces section of the shop.
"It seemed premeditated," says Sokolich, 'like she had planned to come in just to buy the fake dog poo."
Although acquiring a universally hilarious gift, Sokolich noted that Diana had a "weird energy" about her. "She looked kind of haunted, like a frightened gazelle."
The people's princess was "smiley enough" but didn't make small talk at the counter, paying for the counterfeit turds by credit card. "She signed 'Wales' on the credit card slip, which blew me away," says Sokolich.
"I photocopied the slip but I've lost it over the years."
The Spinoff was, however, able to obtain a letter sent home to New Zealand that detailed the encounter.
Sokolich has long speculated as to how the imitation excrement was deployed by Diana.
"It was obviously for William and Harry, or maybe she was going to put it under the Queen's chair and blame the corgis."
Last year, a former butler revealed to The Daily Star that Diana would "spend hours" looking for jokey gifts for her sons.
"One year, Harry got fake dog poo and he said he was going to trick Granny," he claimed.
Our local dog poo vendor was rocked by the revelations, exclaiming "no way!!" to the Spinoff. Although Sokolich now describes herself as "not a huge royalist", she has fond memories of watching Diana's wedding to Prince Charles as a child.
Ahead of the royal wedding this weekend, The Spinoff asked New Zealand's only royal-plastic-dog-poo expert if she would be enjoying the festivities on Saturday night.
"Oh," she responded, "I hadn't realised when it was on."