Four Big NZ Problems Only Donald Trump Can Fix

Donald Trump is the hero New Zealand needs right now.
Donald Trump is the hero New Zealand needs right now.

Donald Trump is many things to many people: real estate maverick, C-list reality TV star, America’s last hope, or, more recently, an out-and-out racist.

But one thing is true: he’s a man with a big ol’ pile of dough, and as shown by the likes of Robert Durst and Tiger Woods, cold, hard cash fixes problems.

Here’s three New Zealand problems Donald Trump could fix:

The Government’s plan to farm out Corrections' duties to private companies came to a head last week when video emerged from Mt Eden Corrections Facility appearing to show organised “fight clubs” that, criminally, didn't involve Brad Pitt, Meatloaf or Jared Leto.

How would The Don put an end to this scandal? The answer is surprisingly simple.

Recently, Trump claimed US Senator John McCain was “not a war hero”, despite spending five years being tortured in North Vietnam as a POW. His reason: “I like people that weren’t captured.”

That’s water-tight logic.

Corrections Minister Peseta Sam Lotu-Iiga’s next move should be to put Trump International Real Estate, Apartments & Condos in charge of Mt Eden Corrections Facility.

The result will be a facility with zero fight clubs because - in-line with Trump's belief that the best person is a non-captured person - he won’t bother locking them up in the first place.

No prisoners, no fight clubs. Sorted.

If there’s one thing Trump knows, it's real estate.

He owns more than a dozen hotels (including one due to open in Azerbaijan), several Manhattan skyscrapers, and 18 golf courses.

He also has experience dealing with the Chinese (Trump claims they respect him, citing as evidence that a Chinese company extended a lease in a building he owns).

And in the wake of Phil Twyford’s revelation that 39.5 per cent of Auckland house sales between February and April were to people with Chinese-sounding surnames, Trump’s experience and attitude is what we need.

Just look at these battle-cries from The Don:

-          “Oh would China be in trouble (If I become President). The poor Chinese.” -          “I beat China all the time. All the time.” -          “I just sold an apartment for $15 million to somebody from China.” -          “I love China.”

Wait, is he running for President of China?

Trump knows how to get out of the red and into the black.

Chapter 11 bankruptcy has been filed several times on hotel and casino properties that Trump has had stakes in—separately in 1991 and 1992, and then, as a group in 2004 and again in 2009.

But look at him now.

Forbes recently put his net worth at US$4.1 billion, a month ago Trump said he was worth $US8.7 billion, and then just a few days ago, he proclaimed his wealth had jumped US$1.3 billion to “TEN BILLION DOLLARS”.

To be clear, that all-caps declaration is a direct quote from Trump’s financial disclosure report.

See below:

Added to that, in 2007, while suing a reporter who said he was worth only US$150 million (he claimed at the time to be worth US$7 billion) Trump proclaimed:

“My net worth fluctuates, and it goes up and down with markets and with attitudes and with feelings - even my own feelings.”

Donald Trump harnesses his feelings.

If he could only harness his ability to increase wealth by billions with thought power, imagine what he could do to New Zealand’s national debt of $100,725,467,196.

This one might be a bit harder.

In June, Trump claimed the Mexican government was sending drug dealers and rapists across the US-Mexico border.

Less than a month later, he boldly claimed he’d “win the Latino vote” and that “the Hispanics love” him, despite America’s largest Latino Civil rights organisation calling him an “extremely silly man”. When asked to back up his claim, he explained that he employees “thousands of Hispanics”

On second thought, I don’t think there’s anything he can do for us here.