David Farrier reveals his massive Phil Rudd mistake and we look into whether Donald Trump's latest slip-up unmasks him as a Lizard Man. It's Relive the Weekend!
Hayden Donnell: God help us, it's Monday again. Welcome back to the bloodstained closet we call the Newsworthy office, where I am reeling from the news that Colin Craig allegedly failed to declare $7752 in election spending.
David Farrier: I'm really glad it's Monday, I'm pumped!
Jono Hutchison: Hi nerds. Right, yes. Who are we supposed to trust if allegedly not Colin Craig?
Hayden: It is the year 2015. The last bastion of truth has fallen. Dirty Politics rules all.
It’s distressing, but mainly because this kind of thing makes New Zealand feel a bit like a backwater. In the UK, the Deputy Speaker of the House of Lords was filmed slumped over a mound of cocaine with two prostitutes. Now that’s a political scandal!
Lord Sewel should do a sequel to the 'What Coke Does to Your Body in an Hour' meme.
Jono: Let's not forget old mate Rob Ford, the greatest mayor of all time.
David: Michael Laws is still my favourite mayor. Massive lunatic, had his own radio show.
Hayden: I disagree with you there. Michael Laws was awful, but not in an entertaining way. He was like the vegan of bad mayoring. It felt like he survived on a diet of shrubberies and raw anger.
David: He was lithe. A lithe mayor. Sinewy, too.
Hayden: If you're wondering what happened to Michael Laws, it looks like he's in Rotorua now.
Speaking of which, what about that Donald Trump!?
Jono: The Don! Another classic.
Mr Trump got in a bit of trouble for making a comment about Fox News's Megyn Kelly which could have been construed as a sexist remark about menstruation. But to be honest, as much as it feels wrong to say this, I wouldn't rule out his explanation that he meant to say "nose".
Hayden: With the utmost respect, your view is completely insane and shows you are a massive moron. I understand you giving people the benefit of the doubt. It's how I got this job. But he was definitely 100% talking about menstruation.
Jono: Yeah I know. I'm not quite sure why I'm agreeing with him. I think I've been hypnotised by this.
As an aside, there's a lizard that shoots blood from its eyes when attacked. Maybe that's what Trump was thinking of when he insulted Megyn Kelly.
Jono: Is Trump a lizard-person? Is that where we’re going?
I mean, what does Trump have to do to lose the support of US Republicans? At this rate he'll be rolling up to his Presidential inauguration on a kitten-bone sleigh pulled by sick baby seals.
Jono: Has he not done that already?
Hayden: I think he's saving that for the next debate.
It’s like Trump’s discovered the key to political success is to be so bewilderingly and unapologetically insane that it’s impossible to engage him in rational dialogue. Debating him is like trying to have an argument with Old Yeller after he got rabies.
Jono: Long may it continue, though. Because... headlines. And memes.
Speaking of bewildering, did you watch Phil Rudd on 3D?
David: I sure did. "Watching" is a key word there, because listening was superbly difficult, thanks to Rudd's unique talking style.
Hayden: He reminds me of a fish after it's been fished up.
David: I interviewed him when he put his solo record out that led to this whole mess. Sat down at his restaurant, Phil's Place. The crazy thing was I couldn't really hear or understand his answers - it wasn't until I drove back to Auckland and fiddled with the volume (lots) that I could piece together what we'd talked about.
Hayden: It’s kind of the same method I use for assessing our friendship.
David: My major regret about it was that he invited me to that launch party (desperate for people to go) and I didn't go. That was the night he got all pissy and made that death threat. Imagine being part of that chaos. A life regret for me.
Jono: My favourite part of last night's interview was when Michael Morrah asked him whether he does P, and Phil said "Yeah but you can't prove it."
Hayden: Proving it just got a lot easier!
Jono: The other good bit was when his security guard said that he'd never known Phil to kill anyone.
David: I'm from Tauranga. So are you, Jono. I never knew we had a rock star in our midst. No one did, really, until all this. No-one cared. He lived the quiet life. Well, I imagine it was never quiet inside his house, but in the greater community - not a peep.
Jono: I knew. My brother used to do sound for some of his gigs.
Just interrupting with a little bit of breaking news... social media is reporting hail in Auckland.
Hayden: ICE IS FALLING FROM THE SKY PLEASE SEND HELP FROM THE REGIONS
Jono: Don't alert the regions, they'll only make fun of us.
Hayden: If this isn't the apocalypse, then I don't know apocalypses.
Jono: Looks apocalyptical.
Hayden: Just like your love life.
Jono: I would describe that as more post-apocalyptic.
Hayden: Your situation is interesting, given the fact that there are literally thousands more women than men in, well, your exact age bracket.
Jono: I'm pretty sure I've heard this for years. I don't believe it. And even if it's true who cares.
I mean, it makes a good headline. But since when has dating just been about equilibrium. I'm not a statistic Hayden, I'M A REAL BOY.
Hayden: Hannah August agrees with you. She says we need to stop perpetuating the idea that we're all meant to spend our lives living happily ever after with one person, or in your case, any person.
Jono: Leave me alone. Like everyone else does.
Hayden: If it cheers you up, it's not just singledom that the MSM is saying will lead to a life of misery. Vegemite will too.
Life is hell.
(Ed’s note: Our system can’t handle Jono’s emojis)
David: As a bisexual I laugh at your problems.
Hayden: **** David: * 1/2 Jono: ***