David Farrier and a pair of nobodies review the weekend, with appearances from a greasy-haired go-getter, Colin Craig, John Key, and, yet again, Cecil the Lion.
Hayden: Hello Jono, welcome back to the dank bowels of the Newsworthy office. It's time to trawl through the news that happened during your blessed days off in our first ever Relive the Weekend.
First up: Cecil the Lion. Who killed him?
Jono: Hi Hayden. So nice to be back at work with you and, if he ever shows up, Dave.
To answer your question, I would say there were two killers of Cecil the Lion. The first killer is a dentist with the Twin Peaks-sounding name of Walter Palmer. The second killer is everybody in the media and everybody on Facebook. I'm so sick of hearing about Cecil the Lion. I'm sorry if this is a mildly controversial opinion but it's my opinion and I'm a controversial guy.
Hayden: I quite like Cecil. He’s the first Cecil since King Cecil VII to be killed by a crossbow. These days, most Cecils just collapse at their desks in the middle of filing a difficult tax return.
Jono: It's not that I hate Cecil. I'm sure he was lovely. But this is all getting too much. Over the weekend there were shocked reports that Cecil's brother, Jericho, had also been killed. Everybody was outraged all over again. But it turns out Jericho, unlike his namesake, is still standing.
Hayden: Just Googled this:
Surprisingly few. Climate change I guess.
I'm keen to keep hearing about Cecil. He's become a crucial part of our public discourse. He's involved in the arguments over veganism and food ethics, media practices, and now, Benghazi. I can't imagine a public debate happening without Cecil. If he doesn't get involved, there's no way I'm ever finding out what a TPPA is.
Jono: Are you serious about Benghazi? Because that sounds just crazy enough to be real.
Hayden: Read it and rejoice for humanity:
Jono: Too good! Okay, I'm not sick of Cecil anymore. Benghazi has reignited my outrage. I'm just not sure what I'm outraged about now.
John Key also caused a bit of outrage this weekend. Good segue huh.
Hayden: If Cecil the Lion would have been at Waiuku College on Friday last week, I'll bet we would have some solid answers about what John Key said to a student to make her cry.
As much as I'd like to believe John Key is touring schools, bullying children until they cry, this story doesn't sit right with me. We only seem to have a summary of the situation from one of the bullying victim's classmates. If I learned anything from obsessively watching Boston Legal, it's that second-hand reports like that are called 'hearsay' and can be easily rebutted by a strong objection from James Spader.
Jono: Yes, but I think the overall point that we should have Māori Language Month is not a bad suggestion. It warrants more than a dismissal - and surely it's not that hard to humour a student by saying "That's an interesting point!"
Hayden: That's an interesting point! Are you saying that Newsworthy is committing to a Māori Language Month?
Jono: I'm not saying anything. Or maybe I am. From now on I'm only communicating via my teenage spokesperson. They are employed to add more hip slang and "emojis" to my rhetoric :ghost: :prayinghands: :poo:
Ed's note: Our system is not modern enough to cope with the emojis Jono just added to his message.
Hayden: John Key's right. Teenagers need to learn they are wrong about everything, and if they object to that lesson, I'll sue them for defamation faster than they can say 'Colin Craig is a *word redacted over fears I'll get sued for defamation*'.
Speaking of which, did you know that Colin Craig is thinking of running for Mayor next year? He really should've included a policy statement in the pamphlet he's mailing out to everyone in Auckland. Two for one!
Jono: I can't wait to see his mayoral campaign billboards. Do you think he'll look that sad on them? And do you think he'll keep the slogan "Dirty Politics and Hidden Agendas"?
Hayden: A few minor edits and we're in business.
But seriously, Colin Craig needs to stop doing everything he is doing.
David: I am a big supporter of Cecil and all his family. I have infinite trust in John Key and I hate school children. I once went in a sauna with Colin Craig. Some of his sweat touched me. It ended his political career.
PS: Hello, I thought it was time to get involved.
Hayden: Hi Dave, what did you find clickable this weekend?
David: I've been in a really bad place, Hayden. I've gone to a bad place on YouTube that all started when that Auckland guy Simon Patchat launched this new company, SI Empire.
Hayden: Dave, his name is Nelson Patchett, but carry on.
David: From what I can tell SI Empire is a self help empire for men run by Simon Patchat.
Hayden: How do you have a good job and I have this job?
David: Simon Prachett is quite something, quite a piece of work. There's a lot of debate going on as to whether his self help videos are real, or a parody. I am leaning towards parody. They're just too amazing to be real, you know?
Jono: I've been doing some background research on this.
This is all I found.
David: Oh, man. Things have taken a turn.
I just don't know what to think of all this. One of the guys he features on his official website is a tremendous bit of murk who teaches you how to woo girls on the street, with categories like "From behind" or "From the front"
All these people are very Tom-Cruise-in-Magnolia esque
Hayden: A reference for our readers (WARNING: Contains all of the swear words).
David: Which makes sense as that character was mocking all these f--king self help muppets.
Jono: It's not really self help though, it's more "how to be a better predator". Which brings us back to Cecil. And probably a good place to end this descent into Hell.
Hayden: Horrible, terrible segue. Much worse than the John Key one.
Weekend News Rating
Hayden: ** David: ** Jono: ***