TV website The Spinoff was relaunched this morning with a new stable of writers and a greatly expanded scope. In keeping with the site’s long-standing tradition, today’s lead story, and most of the other stories, were power rankings. We decided to celebrate a new era by turning the power ranking blowtorch back on its master.
Introducing the first and only ever Spinoff Writer Power Rankings!
Instead of hiring staff, The Spinoff should have spent its money working out how to clone Alex Casey. That’s a joke. Please don’t do that. I need this job. Anyway, her writing is a delight. My wife once said Alex Casey is her favourite New Zealand writer. I am a writer. / Hayden Donnell
Main outlets: The Bachelor
“Alone In the dark I left my body. It was a directionless exit.”
Who wrote that beautiful couplet? Hemingway? Picasso? No, it was Donald ‘Trump’ Rowe. / HD
Main outlets: House painting
Is Toby Manhire doing this as a charity thing? Toby is a real-life professional writer who still gets printed on actual paper and whose esteemed byline ends up in actual fish-n-chip shops. He comes from New Zealand literary pedigree and yet somehow The Spinoff has convinced him to write blogs or whatever. Still, hats off to The Spinoff. Toby is quite good. / Jono Hutchison
Main outlets: Twitter
Is Charlotte Grimshaw doing this as a charity thing? Charlotte is a real-life professional writer who still gets printed on actual paper and whose esteemed byline ends up in actual fish-n-chip shops. She comes from New Zealand literary pedigree and yet somehow The Spinoff has convinced her to write blogs or whatever. Still, hats off to The Spinoff. Charlotte is quite good. / HD
Main outlets: Books
Twitter: Too good for that shit.
Catherine McGregor ate a world-record number of dumplings in her former role at Metro Magazine. She retired to New York, where she spends her time on the top floor of Trump Tower, alternating between spitting on expat Australians and our UN diplomat in his humble $11 million apartment. How did Duncan Greive convince a woman who knows every weird and secret cranny of a dumpling to write for The Spinoff? No-one knows. He is probably a demon. / HD
Main outlets: New York
Jose Barbosa has the most potential to move up this list.
If utilised correctly, Barbosa can contribute a huge number of hours to The Spinoff’s weekly schedule. The bFM alumni can write, draw, direct, edit, and fall over very slowly, meaning he may be vital to the rebooted operation’s summer season. / HD
Main outlets: Crying
I don’t really know Calum but I like his Twitter account. I saw him in real life recently at the prestigious Wintec Journalism Lunch Thing. We made awkward eye contact but neither of us said hello. My excuse is that I was a bit starstruck. I don’t think Calum has an excuse, so that’s why he’s languishing at number 7 on the power rankings. / JH
Main outlets: Not social settings
Steve Braunias has more awards than anyone else. I would give him five stars just for waking up in the morning.
Why is Steve so low on the list? It must be some kind of a mistake. / HD
Main outlets: Twitter
Scotty Stevenson hasn’t done anything for The Spinoff.
Unfortunately all pre-Spinoff achievements have been deemed null and void in this case. / HD
Main outlets: Not The Spinoff
Duncan Greive is a very good-looking man, and he is often well dressed thanks to the fact that he is in the pocket of Big Fashion. Anyway this isn’t a fashion competition it’s a power ranking competition. Duncan loses. / JH
Main outlets: Lightbox, GA Tour Live, Premier League Pass, Unity Books and U Music