OPINION: I arrived in the office early this morning and told the team if I was American I'd be voting Trump today.
I couldn't vote for Biden. Why would you? Forty years in Washington, but he can't remember any of it.
Biden as President? Heck, he'd barely qualify to get a bus driver's licence to take children to school and back each day.
America's two options are poor. Buffoon versus the man with fading faculties - I'm going with the buffoon.
I'm not proud. I just can't vote for Biden.
And so back to that moment in the office. There I was, as if going vegan hasn't isolated me enough, I openly back Trump.
It was met with silence. I was met with utter silence.
Then the fightback came. Glares. Was I just saying it just to get a rise from the newsroom? Well, it wouldn't be the first time.
But then they tore strips off me. Biden is sharp, they said. The dementia stuff is made up by Trump. He's not sleepy Joe, he just has a stutter.
What, the type of stutter that makes you forget who your wife is?
But I would vote for Trump because we've had four years and well, surely he can't get worse.
Sure he totally cocked up COVID-19 by not listening - typical baby boomer - why should they listen to anyone when they know it all?
But on COVID, he's so far from alone when it comes to cockups, isn't he?
And let's face it, Trump keeps us entertained.
He's just released a video this morning. His stiff robotic dance moves with YMCA pumping in the background. He's now an inspiration to all us white men who can't dance.
Now, Biden could be fun in office too I suppose. But would he even make four years?
I'm serious. Are you voting for Biden's deputy to take over.
So I'd vote Trump, because before COVID, the US had gathered steam.
Before COVID, Americans generally felt better about their economy than at any point over the past two decades.
They were doing well.
I'd be voting for that again.
Duncan Garner hosts The AM Show.