Blooming Desires: Kiwi writes erotic fanfiction about Jacinda Ardern, Ashley Bloomfield during COVID-19 lockdown

If you're a big fan of watching the daily 1pm press conference for lustier reasons than the case numbers you're in luck: One Kiwi has transformed the briefings into a series of erotic fiction.

A series of Instagram posts detailing sexually explicit fantasies about Director-General of Health Dr Ashley Bloomfield and Prime Minister Jacinda Arden by author 'Joan Chick' have gone viral amid the country's various alert levels of lockdown. 

While the pair are the ones predominantly and regularly featured in the series Blooming Desires, Ardern's fiance Clarke Gayford, Health Minister Chris Hipkins, Greens party co-leaders James Shaw and Marama Davidson, and Three's own Patrick Gower all make cameo appearances, in ways you've probably never before imagined. 

One scenario sees Hipkins and Gayford "dripping with sweat" as they engage in a sexual kink with Gower, while others see Arden torn between her duty as PM and her "carnal desires".

The popular series sees Parliament transformed into a place of orgies and torrid affairs.
The popular series sees Parliament transformed into a place of orgies and torrid affairs. Photo credit: Instagram/@jacknicol.

Basically, none are fit for publication, so you can read the full chapters here. 

But Jack Nicol, the stay-at-home dad behind Joan Chick, told the Spinoff it's "just a bit of silly fun".

"This is just some funny joke to hopefully help people pass the time in lockdown. I'm really enjoying people's responses."

So far seven chapters of the fanfiction have been released, with only a few to go.

"It'll probably be a fun little novella," he says. "Not a real book, but something you can read in an afternoon, have a laugh and forget about."

His work has certainly hit with the masses: Commenters have been showering Nicol with praise and split on whether they're 'Team Ash' or 'Team Chris' in the complicated love triangle presented in each chapter. 

"Braco! [This story] is what we're all thinking," one person commented. 

"Utterly fabulous! I plan on reading it aloud to everyone," added another. 

Blooming Desires is not the first creative outlet to come from the 1pm daily COVID-19 updates. In recent weeks, local creatives have taken to making mugs from amusing moments or crocheting their own versions of Dr Bloomfirld at home.