Warning: This article deals with mental illness, including attempted suicide.
A woman took all the necessary steps to try and get better but the system failed her, leaving her with nowhere to turn.
Pleading with the police, St John and two mental health hospitals on different sides of the country, one woman tried to take her own life twice before she was finally admitted.
In February 2021, Bianca*, 36, started suffering from severe burnout and anxiety.
She couldn't sleep, her body felt like it was running on adrenaline and the anxiety was getting so bad she felt physical pains in her stomach.
"I had this really bad anxiety. It's hard to explain but it was like eating my insides… It was really painful," Bianca said.
She went to the doctors who prescribed her sleeping pills and told her to come back in a week if she still felt the same.
Deciding to take matters into her own hands, Bianca called Northshore Hospital's mental health facility to book an appointment in the hopes of getting admitted.
"I had my bag packed because I just really wanted to get help."
She said told the psychiatrist she was suicidal and wanted to be admitted. But instead, Bianca left feeling deflated.
She said she was told a lot of people have suicidal thoughts and was sent home with follow-up calls and an appointment to be put on antidepressants.
But these thoughts were not new for Bianca, she had been suffering from anxiety and depression since she was 12 and when she was 16 she tried to take her own life.
Almost 20 years ago, Bianca was admitted to Princess Margaret Hospital's mental health ward for three weeks and said the care she received had helped her get better.
"They were amazing and I got better, so I think that in my head I just felt that [inpatient] was the best care for me to get myself better."
Bianca gave both Newshub and the Waitematā District Health Board (WDHB) consent to look into her file.
WDHB said Bianca received a "high standard of care" for several weeks with the North Acute team where she had a face-to-face assessment, follow-up support calls and in-person consultations.
They said she responded positively to medication and was offered the opportunity of respite care at a residential treatment facility but declined.
However, Bianca said she was not offered this and would have jumped at the opportunity as she was "desperate" for help.
WDHB said Bianca didn't show or suggest any intent to act on her thoughts or harm herself and denied having suicidal ideation towards the end of her time in their care. Their last point of direct contact was March 8, 2021, when Bianca was solely under the care of her GP.
A spokesperson said admission to a mental health unit is only through a referral through another mental health team and other treatment options when more appropriate are considered before deciding to admit a patient.
"Each case is assessed on its own merits – taking a wide range of clinical and psycho-social factors into account, wherever possible and appropriate, in consultation with the patient, family and whānau," the spokesperson said.
"This process enables individualised treatment planning to provide the highest level of support that will contribute to the best possible outcomes for our patients."
Later in March, Bianca said she was still not feeling well and decided to fly down to Christchurch, where her family lives, to see if they would admit her to Hillmorton Hospital.
Landed in Christchurch
Bianca said she was a month into her burnout when she landed in Christchurch.
"I was having about six panic attacks a day," Bianca said. "Panic attacks are very scary… It's something I never want to experience again in my life."
She called Hillmorton Hospital straight away and begged to go into inpatient care, but was denied.
"I just ended the phone call, heartbroken, because I thought this was my shot to get the help I needed."
Over the next couple of days, Bianca rang Hillmorton and finally got an appointment where she was kept on the sleeping pills she was taking and prescribed an antipsychotic medication.
But on March 22, Bianca couldn't take it anymore and attempted suicide.
Her nurse from Hillmorton luckily called her not long after and she told her what had happened.
Bianca was taken to the emergency department and discharged a few hours later.
Her partner got on the earliest plane to Christchurch, she said the situation was devastating for him.
Bianca said she felt worse after the attempt and called an ambulance in the morning which came with the police. They said she would be fine until her appointment at Hillmorton at 3pm.
"I just needed someone to take me somewhere because I felt something brewing in me and I knew I wasn't myself… I just knew," Bianca said.
A couple of hours after the emergency services left, Bianca's partner was keeping an eye on her until her appointment, but when he went to the bathroom things took a terrible turn.
Bianca said she became manic, trying everything she could to end her own life.
Her partner walked in and managed to restrain her and call the police.
The police came and took Bianca to Hillmorton where she was initially admitted for five days, but ended up asking to stay for a total of eight days.
"If he [her partner] wasn't there that day I had my manic episode I wouldn't be here," Bianca said.
Data released earlier this year found in 2021, St John recorded a 30 percent spike in mental health calls alone last year compared to 2020.
Mental Health Foundation chief executive Shaun Robinson told Newshub earlier this year the mental health crisis is at the worst it has ever been.
"Places like St John, they end up being the service of last resort and they're not a mental health service, just like the police are not a mental health service."
Arrives at Hillmorton Hospital
Bianca said when she arrived at Hillmorton Hospital she was walked into a cold, brick room with no carpet or heating and just a single bed in the middle of the room with thin blankets that barely took the cold edge off.
She said she was given her dinner and her medication but wasn't checked on or spoken to once.
She said it was a completely different experience from the one she had at Princess Margaret Hospital 20 years ago.
Criticism of the conditions at Hillmorton Hospital is not new. Canterbury DHB is currently working through plans with the Ministry of Health for fit-for-purpose facilities to replace the current building, with plans focusing on creating a "therapeutic environment".
Greg Hamilton, general manager of specialist mental health services at Canterbury DHB told Newshub in March the Hillmorton Hospital is "on a journey" that will see many of its buildings and facilities improved, modernised and transformed as part of a master plan for the campus.
Two new clinical buildings will be constructed at Hillmorton, as well as an Energy Centre building to help utilise heating at the campus - which is expected to be completed early next year.
Canterbury DHB Acting GM Specialist Mental Health Services Vicki Dent said the mental health services in Canterbury are provided with an integrated system.
"Our aim is to ensure people receive support and services that are matched to their needs, regardless of provider, and for some people that means that primary care, NGOs and the DHB may be the main providers of support in the community.
"It also means that only those who require hospital-level care receive support in this environment."
"All hospital in-patients receive an appropriate level of observation, with increased levels of observation in place for people whose safety is significantly at risk due to changes in their cognitive, physical or psychological state."
Dent said while there is a national shortage of nursing staff across many regions, "our staff remain committed to delivering high quality, safe services".
Bianca said she has lost faith in New Zealand's mental health services.
She believes it was because of her determination and strong-headed nature that she was able to finally get the help she needed.
But what she asks of the mental health system is: Why did it need to come to all of this?
*Bianca's name has been changed to protect her identity.
Where to find help and support:
Shine (domestic violence) - 0508 744 633
Women's Refuge - 0800 733 843 (0800 REFUGE)
Need to Talk? - Call or text 1737
What's Up - 0800 WHATS UP (0800 942 8787)
Lifeline - 0800 543 354 or (09) 5222 999 within Auckland
Youthline - 0800 376 633, text 234, email talk@youthline.co.nz or online chat
Samaritans - 0800 726 666
Depression Helpline - 0800 111 757
Suicide Crisis Helpline - 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)
Shakti Community Council - 0800 742 584
