By Dan Satherley
This weekend, May 21 to be precise, Jesus is coming back to Earth to judge us sinful mortals.
At least, that's what Harold Camping believes. The US-based evangelist has spent a fortune getting the word out about Judgement Day, including billboards here in Auckland.
But this isn't the first time he's foretold the end of the world, and he is far from the first to do it.
Here's a selection of some of history's most wayward prophets, and what actually happened on the days they predicted would end in fire, brimstone and in one case, an undersea volcano.
THE GREAT DISAPPOINTMENT
To most, the world's continued existence is a good thing. To the Millerites however, not seeing the heathens cooked alive and poked with Satan's pitchfork is known as 'The Great Disappointment'.
William Miller (and I thought 'Joseph Smith' was a boring name for a prophet!), a Baptist preacher from Massachusetts, predicted the Second Coming of Jesus Christ would occur in 1843. Then sometime in 1844. Then March 21, 1844. Then April 18.
After these failures, he delegated his predictions to preacher Sam Snow, who came up with October 22.
When this date also passed without any sign of the rapture, the Millerites were mocked on the streets, probably because some of them had begun acting like children, based on the Biblical phrase, "Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it."
Others shrugged their shoulders and assumed something important must have happened in Heaven, and Jesus was busy, so just got on with inventing Seventh Day Adventism, the Baha'i faith and becoming Jehovah's Witnesses.
WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED IN OCTOBER, 1844: Henry Heinz, founder of the baked beans company, was born.
1914, 1925, 1975
But the Jehovah's Witnesses obviously didn't learn anything from the lessons of 1844.
In 1877, they predicted Jesus would return to Earth in 1914. Instead, we got World War I, which was hardly a replacement.
In 1916, they said World War I would end in Armageddon. Instead, we got the Treaty of Versailles, which though paving the way for Hitler, was hardly the end of the world - if you weren't Jewish, Gypsy, Polish, Russian, French, Czech, gay or black.
In 1920, it was predicted by 1925, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob would come back from the dead and rule as princes – not kings – and grant their followers eternal life. In season six of Lost, we see Jacob – ruler of the island – grant his employee, Richard, eternal life, so we'll give the Witnesses a partial credit on this one, even if it actually happened 60 years prior, in 1867 (don't ask).
In 1966, it was announced Armageddon would come in 1975, so young church members shouldn’t bother getting an education. This is my favourite Witnesses prediction, 'cause I once came across a book about it in the Hamilton City Library, published by the Witnesses in 1974.
It hadn't been checked out since 1975.
WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED IN 1975: The Rocky Horror Picture Show was released, and Steve Harris formed Iron Maiden.
THE JUPITER EFFECT
Ken Ring's not the only one who believes natural disasters can be predicted by alignments of the Sun and Moon. In the 1970s, John Gribban and Stephen Plagemann said on March 10, 1982, an alignment of the planets would cause a great earthquake on the San Andreas fault, as well as other disasters around the world.
On March 10, Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn and Pluto were all on the same side of the Sun. Yes, even Pluto! Nothing happened, except high tides were measured 40 micrometres higher than normal –about the height of four cloud droplets, or eight individual human sperm heads.
As you can see, it was an absolute catastrophe the world has yet to recover from.
WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED ON MARCH 10, 1982: The US placed an embargo on Libyan oil imports.
Y2K
Using two numbers to represent the year instead of four hardly sounds as exciting as Judgement Day, the Second Coming and Armageddon, but for a few years in the 1990s, it was the number one threat to humanity. Nowadays we have worse things to worry about, like Auto-Tune and the Double Down, but Y2K even had sensible people like me running for the metaphorical hills.
My flat had about 50 unmarked tins of food we'd got for free, since no one knew what was in them, and about the same number of bottles filled with water. Beer bottles, because we had plenty of those lying around, of course.
And we were lucky to be so well-prepared: on January 1, 2000, bus ticket validation machines in Australia stopped working, and the French weather service's website displayed the date as 'January 1, 19100'.
Just imagine the horror if we didn't have those 50 cans of what was probably expired catfood. We'd be dead and chilling with Jesus and Osama right about now.
WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED ON JANUARY 1, 2000: Sweden disestablished the Church of Sweden as its state religion.
MAY 5, 2000
Another planetary alignment that failed to take off, May 5, 2000 was considered special 'cause it happened nine months after the planets formed a Grand Cross on the astrological chart, which happened a week after a solar eclipse, and something or rather about Vladimir Putin and Edgar Cayce, some bollocks about a pole shift caused by a solar flare, 666 days since a forest fire in Florida, and yeah, even on a list about failed Armageddon prophecies, this one is out there in the wacko zone.
So much so, the author of the website I linked to above is still under the impression something actually happened that day.
WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED IN MAY, 2000: Website boo.com shut down.
BENNY HINN
Televangelist, faith-healer and big-time scam artist Benny Hinn has prophesied massive death and destruction an infinite number of times more than he's actually ever healed anyone (divide by zero).
In the mid '90s, God was supposed to destroy the world's homosexuals "with fire", the east coast of the US with an earthquake, and allow the rise of the "perfect incarnation of Satan", a "short man" who will "rule the world".
But before this, the Rapture, which was meant to happen in 1992. But not until a "woman president will destroy this nation".
The Rapture was rescheduled for 1999, upon which the world's wealth would transfer from "the wicked to those obedient to God".
In a just world, that would have seen Hinn bankrupted, but oh well.
WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED IN 1992: Sinead O'Connor ripped up a photo of the pope, and astronomers first detected planets outside the solar system.
1000 AD
They didn't have computers in Y1K, but that didn't stop people freaking out. Strangely enough, it was the educated who did all the freaking in 1000 AD, since they actually knew what date it was. The uneducated didn't, so were just as bemused as they were scared when Christian armies came to convert – or slaughter, if it was easier – the pagan masses.
Many people gave their possessions to the church in anticipation, then when nothing came to pass, the church just whistled and looked the other way, pretending nothing happened. Those who complained were executed, sparing them from having to live in the Middle Ages.
WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED IN 1000 AD: Viking king Olaf Tryggvason was defeated at the Battle of Svolder.
THE BIBLE CODE
Before The Da Vinci Code there was Michael Drosnin's book The Bible Code. Like Dan Brown's runaway bestseller, The Bible Code was a load of crap masquerading as enigmatic truth, wrapped in a riddle, stuffed inside a codex and whipped by an albino monk.
By arranging a Hebrew translation of the Bible into grids, Drosnin claimed to be able to extract predictions of future calamities, at least ones that have already happened. When challenged to come up with a genuine prediction of the future, he found the phrases "end of days", "world war" and "atomic holocaust" linked to December 2, 2006.
WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED ON DECEMBER 2, 2006: The only international event of any significance was the death of Mariska Veres, singer for Dutch pop group Shocking Blue, best known for writing the hit song 'Venus', a #1 for Bananarama in 1986.
WAR, PROGRESS, AND THE END OF HISTORY
Many of the above predictions are vague, apart from the date. Not Vladimir Solovyev, who didn't give a date, but did detail a particularly specific manner in which the final battle of Armageddon would occur.
First, Russia and Japan go to war. So far, so good – Japan did indeed attack Russia a few years later, and won – though unless you're Kim Jong-Il and think Korea is the whole world, this is where the prophecy falls apart.
According to Solovyev, the Japanese would go on to conquer much of the world before being pushed back by a European alliance.
Following this, a super-brainy writer and philosopher would emerge and take over the leadership of every religion in the world, and decree everlasting world peace. The Jews would even accept him as their long-awaited Messiah, at least until they discover he's not a Jew, which is kind of important if you want to be seen as the Messiah, and not just a naughty boy.
Israel would then erupt into rioting and fighting, leading to a final battle north of Jerusalem. Then, a volcano would erupt at the bottom of the Dead Sea, not for any particular reason, just because it's the goddamn end of the world.
WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: Everyone laughed at Russia, which feeling a bit stink, decided to undergo two revolutions, kick Germany's arse in WW2 and give birth to superhero president Vladimir Putin.
NOSTRADAMUS
Nostradamus wrote little poems called 'quatrains', which were the Renaissance equivalent of R.E.M lyrics – nobody really knows what the hell they're about, but if you use your imagination – and perhaps smoke a lot of weed – they suddenly make a lot of sense.
Perhaps his most famous quatrain reads as such: "The year 1999, seven months / From the sky will come a great King of Terror / To bring back to life the great King of the Mongols / Before and after Mars to reign by good luck."
Now in 1999 I got most of my news from the Saturday edition of The Herald, but even then, I'm sure I would have heard about the resurrection of Genghis Khan had it actually happened. Unless it was buried in the sports pages.
WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED IN JULY, 1999: Lance Armstrong won his first Tour de France, and the original Megadeth drummer, Gar Samuelson, died.
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source: newshub archive
