This recap is going to be a bit of a free-for-all, because I genuinely couldn't keep up with this episode. Every time I looked down at my phone, when I looked up there was another couple awkwardly touching onscreen. It was a real overload of the senses. But let's give it a good hoon.
- Married At First Sight recap: Beauty and the beast mode and the boys
- Married At First Sight NZ: Meet Lacey
- Married At First Sight NZ: Meet the cast
Luke and Lacey
Those lucky sons of guns didn't have to deal with all the rigmarole of travelling internationally, like getting your luggage off the carousel and navigating language barriers - yuck!
Instead they got to hit the honeymoon hotspot of Rotorua! Woohoo!
Honestly it actually looked pretty idyllic, what with the fire and the lake, and Lacey just smashed dranks out of the mini-fridge with the confidence of someone who knows MediaWorks will be footing the bill.
This honeymoon we really got to see why Lacey is 'the boss'.
Luke tried to give her some food, which in my opinion is the best thing one person can do for another person - except for Lacey's response: "That is not gonna happen."
Oh.
She's obviously letting some things slide though, like this shirt. But baby steps.
The Rotorua location did mean they joined approximately 3.6 percent of other New Zealanders who have actually experienced some of the adrenaline junkie stunts NZ is known around the world for. It's not surprising when you see stuff like this, which looks basically like my worst nightmare.
But it did lead to some pretty cute moments, like Luke comforting a terrified Lacey while euphoric music played in the background. Surprise! I got teary. Again.
Dom and Claire
Wowee where do I begin? These two are so horny it's out of control.
There was no mucking around for the older couple, on their honeymoon in the Bay of Plenty. Dom went straight from discussing the great view of the Mount to discussing how he found Claire "sexually attractive". The word sexually is so unnecessary in that sentence but anyway.
You thought that was going to be the worst. I thought that was going to be the worst.
But no, it continued.
Claire was just absolutely fizzing for things to "get heated".
"I think we're going to christen every spa bath and bed in that house. Can't wait."
LALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU CLAIRE PLEASE STOP PLEASE.
Honestly, anyone in our newsroom would tell you I have absolutely no filter, but this is too much even for me.
We get it Claire, you're going to bang.
But just in case we weren't sure, she was keen to hammer it home (no pun intended), informing us they'd "made love".
"He's pretty good," she spelled out for any confused souls. "He really knows what he's doing."
I'm really happy for you Dom. I may never have sex again, but I'm really happy for you.
Then in a real 180 degree turn, we had to sit through some riveting television as the lovers had a pretty vicious spat over driving. Those sorts of fights aren't even interesting when you're in them, and even Titanic-esque backing music couldn't save the moment.
Luckily they made up in an uncomfortably intimate bath scene, where they discussed their respective "types" and Claire said, to Dom's face: "I'm not revolted by you."
What a dream.
Bel and Hadyn
Only a few couples were lucky enough to jetset over to the glamorous land of Straya, including these guys. Bel and Hadyn arrived to a hotel which apparently boasts the slowest elevator in the world. Or at least that's what it felt like, as we waited along with them to finalllllllly reach their floor.
While Bel was tense and stroppy AF when they arrived, things thawed pretty quickly. Crazy quickly actually, as Bel went from having no words to say to her new husband to scooching in for the tightest spoon I've ever seen. I don't blame her, that looks like a bloody snug cuddle.
It must have worked because they emerged at brekkie bright-eyed, bushy tailed and fiercely contoured. How could you possibly be dark at a hotel breakfast buffet with sugared croissants just there for the taking? Hadyn racked up some serious points by not being afraid to sip a fruity cocktail with his lady by his side. Look at the wee drink in his big hand!
These two then had the super romantic date of putting on bulky blue suits and dangling themselves off the edge of a ledge over a footy field.
It didn't really end well, as Hadyn implied Bel was in the wrong for not wanting to put her life in the hands of a short rope in the name of performing a pretty mediocre stunt. F**king white people won't let their kids eat gluten but they'll do shit like this, amirite?
The shitshow.
The episode ended with a plot twist which really took everyone, even this cynical gal, by surprise.
The spat over heights was obviously the beginning of the end of the couple that five minutes earlier couldn't keep their hands off each other. Bel and Hadyn went from spooning to really forking each other off, and spent the night in separate rooms. We left things with Bel announcing she was done. To quote Hadyn: "It all turned to shit".
Then BOOM, next bombshell. On grainy, handheld camcorder footage that made it look like an amateur horror film, Luke announced to a shocked nation that Lacey had also gapped it. So far all we know it was due to "some rumour" told between guests as their wedding, which I guess only just got back to her now? Who knows. We wait with bated breath to find out.
Married At First Sight airs Sundays and Mondays at 7:30pm on Three. Watch the full episode again on ThreeNow.
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