It's been a long 11 months away from the rugby field for Chiefs midfielder Charlie Ngatai, and there were times during his frustratingly lengthy absence that lacing up the boots again felt like it may simply not have been worth it.
After a breakthrough 2014 Super Rugby season which resulted in an All Blacks call-up and a Test debut against Samoa the following year, Ngatai seemed destined to make a claim on one of the soon-to-be vacated centre spots amid the post-World Cup exodus.
Fast-forward to May 7th 2016 and a derby match against the Highlanders where a seemingly innocuous head clash saw him forced to the sidelines with a concussion which would ultimately see his momentum ground to a halt.
The experience left the 26-year-old with symptoms that had him questioning his place in the game altogether.
"At one stage you do," said Ngatai when asked if he'd considered the risk of returning too great.
"Headaches, a lot of anxiety, worry, dizziness, just little different things that wouldn't go away.
"You go into a sort of dark place that you can't really explain if you haven't been there."
With a young family and his own long-term health to consider, rugby began to seem trivial.
"You don’t want to end up in a wheelchair or disabled for the rest of your life - you want to watch them grow up and grow up with them…. do the things you love with them."
However, the unyielding support of both the Chiefs and his family has seen the Gisborne-product push through that haze of uncertainty.
Ngatai is now edging closer towards a return to the Chiefs fold, and will play his second match for University in Waikato's club competition on Tuesday after putting in a quiet 40 minute shift at fullback last weekend.
Understandably, it wasn't without its fair share of apprehension after such a considerable lay-off, but the experience has left Ngatai rejuvenated and hungry for more as his confidence begins to restore.
"I was nervous at the start. You just don’t know what it's going to feel like, but as I went through the warm-up it felt normal again, the nerves went away."
"Just getting out there and enjoying the rugby field again… donning the boots, and training and playing has been good."
It's a work in progress for both himself and the Chiefs, with head coach Dave Rennie reluctant to commit to any specific return date as they look to ease him back into the fray.
"We're not going to rush with Charlie, we want to build him up," said Rennie.
"He's got himself in pretty good nick, he's certainly leaned down. He has a little bit more muscle mass than he had last year, he's still very quick.
"We just want to get him confident, and playing a bit of club footy will be good."
Ngatai, while positive his preparations are on the mark, is being equally cautious and has no intention of pushing the envelope on his comeback.
"I've done a lot of contact work over the last 3 weeks, just going over all the scenarios that could come up and I'm comfortable with those," noted the former Maori All Blacks captain.
"We're just taking it game by game, but hopefully in the next couple of weeks I get the chance to put the Chiefs jersey back on."
The match against the touring Lions on June 20th in Hamilton is one such target, but after emerging from such a challenging ordeal, Ngatai's goals are far less loftier - he's not taking anything for granted.
"Just getting back on the field is my goal because at one stage I thought I'd never get back out there.
"I'm just taking it week by week, because you never know when it might be your last game."
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