Married At First Sight NZ 2019 episode 5 recap: Laughter is the best sex medicine

Welcome back to Married At First Sight NZ, where yes, the participants are still stranded on an island with the stranger they married, and no, it's not all roses, thanks for asking. 

With the couples set to move in together when they return from their honeymoons, can they enjoy their last few moments together in paradise? 

Ray and Jono

 

Ray and Jono have - surprise surprise - had another big row. 

The problem is, Jono is too sensitive. No, wait, it's that Ray was left on his own at the dinner table. Scratch that, it's because the hotel has run out of almond croissants, maybe? 

Okay, look. I don't know what the real issue is and neither do they. 

What we do know, is it's not going well. We know this because they're each demonstrating their anguish in different, definitely-not-set-up-by-producers ways. 

Jono is brooding while reading a conveniently-titled book called We Can Make A Life, while Ray is splashing pool water on his face in a way usually reserved for people nursing a very serious hangover. 

Jono brooding while reading a conveniently-titled book called We Can Make A Life.
Jono brooding while reading a conveniently-titled book called We Can Make A Life. Photo credit: MediaWorks

But as the old saying goes, 'when the going gets tough, the tough get on a zipline,' which is precisely what Jono and Ray elect to do. 

Not only does this provide a fun distraction from what must be the reality TV equivalent of buyer's remorse, watching adrenaline-junkie Jono take to the skies gives Ray some insight. 

"I've been mindful of his need for…" Speed? Oh, no: "affirmation". Of course. 

When the pair get home and move into their new apartment together, Ray leaps for the phone with the intensity of a prisoner who's just been granted his one call for bail. 

In this case, though, Ray calls for extra blankets, so he can sleep on the couch. Yikes. 

Carmen and James 

 

The voice-over lady tells us: "loved up couple James and Carmen are still on cloud nine", but that could be down to the all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet more than anything else. 

Pain au Chocolates, donuts, bacon, eggs any way you like 'em - it's enough to give anyone some serious feelings. 

For Carmen, it's taken years off her life. "I'm like a child, literally right now," she explains. 

Pain au Chocolates, donuts, bacon, eggs any way you like 'em.
Pain au Chocolates, donuts, bacon, eggs any way you like 'em. Photo credit: MediaWorks

Perhaps this regression is behind the ensuing breakfast conversation, which is, unfortunately, all about wee. 

"People pee in the sea all the time, people pee everywhere all the time," Carmen says of swimming in public pools. 

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger," she adds, inspirationally. 

James is deeply into this kind of chat. 

"This is going to sound real 'cute as', but I'm like, real attracted to her personality, too," he winces, having apparently just discovered the concept of seeing beyond a person's "tidy set up". 

Say what you will, but the pair do seem to have some undeniable chemistry as they frolic, in various states of nudity, in the waves together. 

"We are having a healthy amount of… intimacy," Carmen carefully explains.  

"WE GET IT ON!" yells James. 

Sometimes, James makes me feel a bit like I have a migraine coming on. Other times, he gazes adoringly at his wife as she does rolly-pollies in the living room, and I wonder if I've got him all wrong. 

Anna and Jordan

 

For these two, the honeymoon has been decidedly 'blah'. Thankfully, a serious hot tub chat offers Jordan an opportunity to show off both his biceps and his sensitive side.  

Thankfully, a serious hot tub chat offers Jordan an opportunity to show off both his biceps and his sensitive side.
Thankfully, a serious hot tub chat offers Jordan an opportunity to show off both his biceps and his sensitive side. Photo credit: MediaWorks

Anna thinks they're forcing getting to know each other - maybe don't marry a stranger, just a thought - and says she doesn't want to have to tell Jordan when she's going for a walk. 

Jordan says he's not going to pressure her, making him "the nicest guy she's ever dated". 

While Jordan is undoubtedly as sweet as a breakfast buffet pastry, it's worth remembering that Anna has had the boyfriend bar set rather low by that music producer who once leaked her sex tape

Chris and Rose

 

Engaging in fun activities on a honeymoon is really important, says love expert Steph, because it makes everyone laugh a lot, and "laughter is the greatest aphrodisiac". 

It is? I was under the impression it was oysters, but I never understood why anyone would find those snotty sea snacks sexy, so laughter it is. 

This is great news for Chris and Rose, who are in fits of giggles during their fun activity, in which they bike in tandem along some tracks. 

"Ready for warp drive?" asks Chris, as he releases the brake and they inch off at the speed of a geriatric snail. 

Chris and Rose biking in tandem along some tracks.
Chris and Rose biking in tandem along some tracks. Photo credit: MediaWorks

Still, it's rather a lot of exertion for usually demure Rose, who exclaims: "I'm going to have a sore box after this!"

"A sore WHAT?" replies Chris, along with everyone watching at home. 

"I'm going to have to put a flannel down my pants," she continues.  

Later on, Chris tells us he thinks they've "got past the niceties", which on reflection, does seem about right. 

Sadly, it seems Chris and Rose might have been better off slurping down some oysters after all, as a physical connection remains elusive. 

Rose is not happy being touched or kissed by Chris, which I'm hoping is due to an instinct to protect her carefully sculpted hairdo, but I suspect is something worse. 

Vicky and Stefaan 

 

"It is pretty weird thinking like, we're married," Stefaan tells Vicky as they set off for another day in paradise together. 

Yes, Stef, it is pretty weird, but please, keep up. This is not new information, and you really must think of something else to say very soon. 

"Be careful what you wish fooooorrr!" he intones ominously, not quite what I meant. 

Let's not be hasty, though, because in a very adorable plot twist, it becomes apparent Stefaan recites his wedding vows to Vicky each morning. 

Oops, hold on, what's this now? 

Oh. He's singing. 

"I'm married to Vicky/She is so beautiful/She might even fall in love with me," he croons, in an original ballad that, frankly, knocks Anna's episode one vow song out of the park. 

"So show us some love, Vicky/I'm sitting right here," he continues, because who needs subtlety anyway? 

"I'm waiting for you to...look at me/So I can tell you how happy I am."

Vicky being serenaded by Stef.
Vicky being serenaded by Stef. Photo credit: MediaWorks

Vicky responds to this unwelcome serenade in the only sensible way, by shovelling enough salad into her mouth that she's unable to speak. 

Later, she tells us: "It's so confusing!" 

It is, Vicky, it sure is. 

Back in Auckland, everyone decides to deal with their confusion/sense of impending doom/unyielding horniness by having a piss-up at Vicky and Stefs place, which seems healthy.

Live it up, guys, tomorrow brings with it the promise of a cracking hangover and the start of the rest of your lives together. Cheers! 

Married At First Sight NZ returns on Tuesday night at 7.30pm on Three. Previous episodes can be viewed on ThreeNow.

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